I once had perfect children. Perfectly behaved, perfectly disciplined, perfectly adjusted children. And attaining these little angels was a cinch. A little determination, “the mom look”, and a firm hand was all it took.
In my mind.
Yes, as I find myself full throttle in this journey of motherhood, I often think back to my days of hypothetical children.
Did you ever have hypothetical children? Or maybe you have a few right now? Ya know, the children you have before you actually, like, have children. The children that give you the confidence that you are going to crush this parenting thing and it won’t even be that hard. The children that make you wonder what in the world is wrong with all those other people and their real life kids. The children who are the shining example above all others. Ever have any of those? I sure did. And let me tell ya, they were practically flawless. And you couldn’t have told me that my real life kids would be any different than my hypothetical ones. Maybe that was true for others, but no for me! And I would look around and hypothetically parent those people’s real life kids who desperately needed my expertise. Just wait till I had my own kids, they’d know what was what.
But oh sweet, sweet reality.
It hit me in the face like a mack truck running smack through a red light. Anyone else? It’s not that Biblical ideals and discipline are not valid or every bit worth striving for, they are! And you do strive for them. But somehow it just doesn’t always turn out like you pictured it. Somehow both you and your children are more flawed, sinful, and human than you ever realized.
Allow Me To Expound
Hypothetical children: Are perfectly behaved, always listen and obey without question, both at home and in public, and if DO they step out of line, simply telling them no in a firm, calm voice, or at the very worst, actually having to discipline them, will immediately straighten out any issues that may have occurred, and probably forever.
The real deal: It depends on the day, some days are great, some are ok, and some days one would think you’d never once taught those little crazies a thing in their lives. No means yes, warnings lead to countless moments of disciplinary action, all to get up and do it again tomorrow. Sometimes you wonder what you’ve done wrong or if you’re making any headway at all.
Hypothetical children: Will take in absolutely no media. You’ll be much too busy baking together, reading books for two hours daily, teaching them all the things, and doing all the educational activities to have time for that brain melting nonsense. They will be your one and only priority and everything else besides will magically get done. And then, if your little angels somehow reach the point of boredom, they can simply sit quietly and read for a few hours or perhaps give you a helpful hand with things around the house.
The real deal: Yes, you make an effort to limit media… and yes, you love spending time with them, and teaching them all kinds of new things… yet sometimes the house has to be deep cleaned without children underfoot, trying to help (aka, undoing everything you just did or at the very least singing you their favorite song at the top of their lungs, 15 times in a row), sometimes you and daddy need to have an important conversation without eavesdropping ears or interrupting chatter, and sometimes, it’s been a horribly long day, and letting the kiddos take in a movie is better for them than for mommy to completely lose it.
Hypothetical children: Will eat only whole foods and all things organic. They will eat three rounded meals with maybe a snack in-between. You will make from scratch every piece of food that touches their precious lips. The poisonous red food dye will be banned in total. And so will sugar. Never, ever will they ingest that addictive drug. Forget waiting till they’re one, they will be 18 and making decisions for their own bodies so that you can wash your hands of such nonsense before they may make such a fateful choice. Their little bodies will be a place to digest only the purist of foods, cooked to perfection by their ever preparing mother.
The real deal: Your budget doesn’t allow for all things organic like it used to, and sometimes compromises must be made. These little humans literally never stop eating and that gets expensive. You try, like you really do. And you make pretty good choices for them. They get their servings of fruits and veggies and everything. And sometimes things go great and you’re totally on top of it… other times, life gets a little crazy and you give them that sucker from the cashier, you grab that box of processed granola bars at the grocery store (better than candy bars… right???), or your kids come home from their friends house raving about the red popsicle they ate and ADORED, and you also realize that no well-balanced child should be raised without ice cream at least now and again. Because ice cream is life.
Hypothetical children: Hits every milestone right on time, or preferably early. They take the initiative on their own, and if they won’t, you will tirelessly work with them to be sure they do what they are supposed to do right when they are supposed to do it (according to that one blog you read.) Only parents who don’t take the time or don’t encourage their children enough will find them lagging behind on crawling, walking, talking, potty training. Those kind of children generally teeth late as well. It pretty much follows that as an adult they will always be under-achievers.
The real deal: When they hit milestones varies wildly from kid to kid. Some hit them early and you wish they didn’t because you weren’t ready for an undiscerning nine month old to start walking. Some go right on time. Some take their sweet time doing absolutely EVERYTHING. And while you might have the time with the first one, the more kids you have, the harder it gets to spend hours working on any particular milestone. Some refuse to progress out of sheer stubbornness, and some literally aren’t ready until a little later. Either way, it’s hard to convince toddlers to hit milestones… they have to get there when they’re ready. And generally speaking, it won’t matter down the road when they got there.
Hypothetical childten: Perfect
The real deal: Humanly flawed.
Hypothetical children: Doesn’t grow you
The real deal: Humbles you and teaches you what it is to love unconditionally and give grace… grace to yourself, grace to your children, and grace to everyone else.
These are just a few examples.
So, What’s My Point?
Ok, so, am I discouraging striving to be the best parent you can be? No. Am I saying it’s bad to plan ahead? Absolutely not. It’s just that we as humans generally tend to think of how we would handle a situation while outside of it but it’s not so simple in the thick of it.
If you are still in the “hypothetical children” stage, just remember that it’s much harder than you may realize and be encouraged that if your parenting journey isn’t exactly what you pictured when you get there (and I’m pretty sure it won’t be), you are no different than any other parent who has gone before you. Try to give grace to those going ahead of you and learn from them as they learn, rather than just figuring it must be so much easier than they are making it out to be.
If you are in the “real deal” stage, don’t lose heart. Just know that you are struggling and learning and growing just like all of us. And just like you’ve learned to give grace to other parents as you’ve learned how hard this parenting thing can be, maybe try to give grace in other areas of life as well, whether you’ve been in that person’s shoes or not.
Always cling to truth. The Word of God is our lifeline no matter who we are or what we are working through, but grace and love are absolutely vital in our pursuit and determination to cling to and act on the truth of his Word.
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another…” Colossians 3:12
In Summary
I think there’s a lesson for all of us in this. The journey of parenting and discovering that it’s more complicated and unpredictable than we could ever have imagined, is really a fantastic reminder of how many things in life are the same. Outside the situation the solution may seem simple, while walking through it, not so much. We live in a crazy, sinful world. We are all learning and growing, even as we strive for holiness. Never compromise on truth, never settle for less, but do so with a humble heart and a realization that, just like the crazy and unpredictable adventure of parenting, things aren’t always as they seem and as we grow and learn together, let’s offer grace upon grace.
“But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “He opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6
My Family Freedom 