So, I ended my last blog saying that although this move is more Derek’s dream than mine, it wasn’t actually him who was anxious, bothered, and losing sleep over pushing it off a year… it was me.
Weird, right? Why would someone be anxious over not doing something that they had been resisting for so long?
Well…
In all these years that I’ve known what was on my husband’s heart while knowing my heart was far from it, I’ve been praying. We were seeing this desire much differently but I know that God draws two hearts together in a marriage and anytime two flawed people doing life together find themselves at odds over a decision, prayer is absolutely vital.
Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. (Matthew 26:41)
I didn’t ask God to change Derek’s mind. I didn’t ask God to give me strength to plod miserably along beside my husband. No, I asked God to bring my heart along, to change my heart if this is what we were supposed to do. I wasn’t sure if this big move would truly be in our plans, but I knew that if it was ever going to happen, I didn’t want to half heartedly agree to it or feel bitterness over it. I knew I needed to see more than me. Because while many people love to remind everyone that marriage isn’t just about husbands getting everything they want… it’s not about me getting everything I want either. My husband cares for my desires… and I need to care for his. If we go through marriage only worried about “getting mine”… unity will be nearly impossible. Marriage is about understanding that both my husband and I have needs and desires. It’s being willing to put one another first:
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus… Phil 2:3-5
And if I’m honest, part of me knew that while I had some very valid reasons for wanting to stay… I knew part of what was holding me back was fear. The fear of building new relationships, the fear of feeling lonely, the fear of finding a new church, the fear of big decisions, of financial change and all that comes with it, the fear of regret… the fear of the unknown. And that’s not very sturdy ground to stand on.
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2 Tim 1:7
And so I prayed. I didn’t know what would happen. But I prayed.
Now, I should tell you… when we ask God to sanctify us, he is faithful to do so.
See, content as I was, snuggled up here in Minnesota… all of a sudden I was bothered, I was unsettled, I was no longer fully at peace with staying… in fact, I felt like I was fighting to stay. I had already agreed to go next spring… but suddenly there were reasons to go… like now.
For one thing, it’s certainly a sellers market at the moment, and seeing as we bought our little fixer upper on the low end as a foreclosure four years ago, there would be no better time to sell than right now. In a year? Who knows? I quickly began to feel that selling NOW would be wiser than to wait. This decision would have a big impact on our finances, timing and future home. And that’s a pretty big factor, in my mind.
Also, when we made the decision back in the beginning of ’20 to move in ’22, the world hadn’t flipped on its head yet. Life seemed steady and stretching out easily before us without too many cares in our world or obstacles in our way. Now life seems a little more fragile… a little more uncertain… I’ve begun to realize the waste of living in fear and that tomorrow simply isn’t promised. Courage is a vital ingredient to living a full and passionate life. I realized that though there is sometimes wisdom in waiting… there is also sometimes wisdom in going.
(Note: I am a firm believer that there isn’t necessarily a “perfect plan” for my life. By that, I mean, one wrong step won’t ruin it and one smart step won’t make it. God is bigger than my own wisdom and foolishness. It’s not that He doesn’t guide us, for he surely does! But I think that sometimes, rather than waiting around for that bolt of lightening to reveal what next step will glorify God… we just need to go and glorify God in our going.)
So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31)
…for we walk by faith, not by sight. (2 Cor 5:7)
Another thing… I LOVE Minnesota dearly, and we are surrounded by so many amazing, like-minded people… I’ve seen Christ lived out in lives around me in such beautiful ways. I’m not negating that in any way… but just to shoot straight here, part of me really desires to raise my children in a state that tends to have more conservative leanings. And I know not everyone agrees with me on this, and that’s totally fine. It really could be a great discussion piece. But, for me, along with the craziness of this year came the realization that it now matters what state you live in as to how you get to live. I’ve never really given much thought to what political leanings my state/state government held… it has never seemed to touch my day to day in much of any notable way. But today it does. Politics has now bled into some of the simplest daily choices and decisions. And that weighs on my heart.
And then I dwelt a bit on the beautiful blessings that could come from such a change. Having grown up in the south east, I would be an easy days drive from some of my dearest friends, friends I haven’t lived near in years. I would also be able to get to know my husband’s family better. (As well as the boys who haven’t spent much time with their grandma and grandpa). Not to mention, Derek’s older sister is AWESOME and she and I have always needed to hang out more. And best of all, I would be just an hour or two from my grandparents. I haven’t lived that near to them since I was a child. (Y’all, my Mamaw makes the best milkshakes on the planet… I’m pretty sure one of those will make any hard day I might have in the midst of the transition at least a little brighter.)
As I began to see the wisdom and blessing in going, it started to keep me up at night, it started to make me feel stubborn rather than reasonable… like I was fighting the decision I felt might be best. I went through about a solid week of feeling so conflicted I didn’t know what to do. And I knew this wasn’t a result of me suddenly wising up… I’m flawed and hard headed enough to know that it takes God to change my heart, and it takes answered prayer to bring two hearts together.
But see… although I was at a point where I could see why it made sense to go ahead, I was at war with myself because there was this other particular factor that was also keeping me awake. One that held a lot of merit and concern for me.
My mom (who lives right down the road and is one of my best friends in this world) had very recently and suddenly lost her dad. My heart was torn… how was I supposed to tell my mom, who was already grieving, that not only had she lost her dad… I was also going to be taking her grandsons away a year earlier than planned. The thought of it turned my stomach and it was honestly what kept me resisting. I just couldn’t do it.
But then… when I finally and super hesitantly had the guts to bring it up to her as a remote possibility, she quickly and firmly reassured me, like the amazing mom that she is, that both she and my dad whole heartedly supported us and wanted us to go wherever the Lord led, whenever he led and that she could see wisdom in the choice we were making. Lord bless her! She has walked with Him longer than I have and her trust in his faithfulness and timing was bolstering to me.
And it was exactly what I needed to hear.
It was as if the final weight of resistance had been lifted from my shoulders and a peace settled on me that now was the time… that we could do this… that it would be an adventure… and it would be ok.
And I actually felt a slight excitement start to build.
I went home, and much to my husbands surprise, told him that if he wanted to sell the house tomorrow… I was ready. I was ready to go.
And that’s exactly what we did.
We jumped in, head first, and thought that once we got past a case of COVID, a two week quarantine, a hectic house purge and a crazy 24 hour sale of our home, we were well on our way and nothing could stop us now!
Ha! Yeah…about that…
My Family Freedom 