As my husband waited by our packed truck and trailer, I held the hands of my dear mother and father, and with only a slight tear in my eye and absolute confidence in my heart, I bid them farewell. How could I feel any real grief when I knew this was what God had called us to? We were off on an ADVENTURE! A journey of a lifetime. I turned and walked into the sweet embrace of my husband and as he held me I softly whispered: “Where you go, I’ll go.” We held each other for a moment as our boys waited quietly in their carseats with curious but trusting eyes. I got in, closed the door, looked over at Derek, offering a wink and a gentle smile. The time had come, and I was ready.
Ha… ha… hahahahahahahaha!
Ok, so I was writing that with those one of those old movies in mind where a young woman leaves with her husband in a covered wagon to journey for 3 months across the prairie, never to see her parents again, and she’s like all chill and stuff.
Yeah… ok, so here’s what really happened:
I thought maybe I’d be fine Monday morning when we pulled out. I mean, I’m really not much of a crier and I almost NEVER cry in front of people, if I cry at all. Ha! Y’all, I bawled like a baby and hugged my parents good bye at least three different times as the boys ran in and out of the house, only stopping for the occasional awkward stare followed by “What’s wrong, Mom??? Mom, what’s wrong??? Why are you crying, Mom???”
Derek was trying to wrangle our little crazies as he finished the last minute packing. And no, I didn’t hug him. Derek tried to hug me, to comfort me, but I was having a pity party for one and wanted no company at the moment. (Note: That’s totally a wrong and unfair attitude. I’m journaling this so you can all remind me that I have been fully on board for this since we made the decision 10 weeks ago. I’m just being honest that hearts can be stubborn and sanctification is a process.) And no, I didn’t get in next to him and hold his hand. That would be a perfect world. In an imperfect world, you split the kids and ride in separate vehicles with a 20 hour drive staring you in your already exhausted faces. After making sure our GPS’s were set to the same route, checking and rechecking the trailer lights, running back into my parent’s house for three different things we forgot, while answering a host of questions from some excited but pretty confused little boys…
We were off. And I was a mess.
I cried. And I cried. Up till then I’d mostly felt fine. I knew it was bubbling under the surface, but every time I’d tried to consider what was about to happen my mind would block it out. As I drove out of town Monday morning, everything and everyone I was leaving became so evident and my heart broke a little. I had built so many memories and friendships over the years.
A chapter was closing and I was grieving that. Yet, even in the midst of my grief and lousy attitude… I knew that we had made this decision together. I knew I was on board. I knew I wasn’t being dragged along. The Spirit convicted my heart and I begged God to help me… not just to follow my husband but to follow my husband well.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
I wanted this passage from Proverbs 31 to be true of me. I knew it was ok and even healthy to be upset, to be sad, to grieve… but it wasn’t ok or healthy to be bitter and angry.
And so went my emotions for the next two days. I would be up and then down. Laughing then crying. Excited and then totally put out. Fine and then not so fine.
And I figure it’ll be like that for a while. I’m learning that just because God leads me a certain way doesn’t means it’s easy or it doesn’t hurt. I think we tend to think it’s God’s will so long as it’s easy sailing and our heart feels happy. But truly, we grow only when we are challenged and are more likely to stand on faith when we realize that every other foundation will surely crumble one day.
Like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. Luke 6:48
Not to mention, I have some big blessings like grandparents and old friends living close by, a beautiful home to make our own, mountains, rivers, hiking, and lovely weather to look forward to! This is not some dark, dismal journey. I have so much to be thankful for as we settle in.
As far as the road trip goes, the rest of Monday was pretty uneventful. I mean, I was living on prayer, caffeine, beef jerky and ongoing phone calls with Derek to keep my tired self from dozing as I drove, but besides that, it was pretty chill. We drove and picnicked and played and had tons of fun riding luggage carts and running hotel halls to work out energy in our little guys that night.
Our middle man didn’t sleep too well, so I knew the next day would take all the more prayer, jerky, and phone calls, but God provided and I was actually quite awake throughout the following days drive.
But if I HAD needed a wake up call Tuesday afternoon, God certainly provided one. We were winding through the mountain highways with decently heavy traffic. Derek and I were talking on speaker phone to pass the time. He had Ryan in the truck with him pulling the wobbly, not so steady, U-Haul trailer, as I followed in the mini-van with the younger boys. As he was coming up alongside an 18 wheeler, all of a sudden I heard a loud “POW!”
Then I heard Derek’s voice, with a strong note of panic: “Blowout! I’ve got a blowout!”
(…I’ll let y’all know next week if we survived.)
My Family Freedom 