As we take this big step forward… I’m looking back for a moment today… it’s nice to journal where you’ve been to help see how far you’ve come and to give hope for what the future could hold.
There are simply moments but profound moments in life that prepare you for what lies ahead… and this is one.
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We’d only been married a few months. We were fresh faced newly weds. We were still in that infamous “honeymoon stage”. We’d yet to go through any major hardships or rough patches. We hadn’t had years to strengthen our promise to love each other unconditionally. We were incredibly new to that thing called marriage.
Everything was going so well… we were falling more in love every day. We were having so much fun just doing life together. I’d spent days and weeks turning his little bachelor pad into a home with a few feminine touches. (Believe it or not, he asked me to!) And I remember the first day he came home from work and smiled his big contagious smile when he walked through the door, because he knew he had someone to come home to. Everything was as it ought to be. And we were adorable.
But then… then a harsh reality of living in a sinful world crept in.
I began to struggle. A sin issue had entered my life and I despised that it was there.
I hated it, yet it remained. It was something wanted to hide, it was something I hoped would simply go away…
And it was something I certainly didn’t want to share with my husband.
What if he was shocked, or hurt, or angry?
We’d only been doing life together a few months… how was I to know how he would react if I confessed to him a sinful struggle in my life that he knew nothing about.
I told myself I could handle it and it was best to keep quiet…
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I’m figuring this must resonate with someone. The last thing you want to do, especially after another person has just promised to spend their whole life with you, is to spill your guts about your deepest imperfections. I think there’s a fear that you’ll be met with disdain or surprise or that you’ll bring something to your spouse that will change how they see you. Or maybe you fear them coming to you with such things…
It’s beyond tempting to keep quiet about your struggles. And I think sometimes we can put off an air that causes our spouse to keep quiet about theirs.
Yet, we see this addressed so clearly in scripture:
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. (James 5:16)
Or when you’re the one hearing the confession:
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. (Colossians 3:12)
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So, anyway, it didn’t take me long to realize that keeping quiet about my struggle was not the way to handle it for either my sake or Derek’s.
If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. (1 John 1:6-7)
I began to see that no matter what the sin, no matter what the struggle, victory and forgiveness would never come if they remained shrouded in darkness and secrecy.
I knew Derek was coming home for lunch that day. I knew we would have time to talk. So I cooked a yummy lunch (as a newly wed I put so much thought into EVERY little detail… even lunch) with anxiety building in my heart. I knew we couldn’t have a strong, trusting marriage if their were secrets between us, but I’d never in my life been in a relationship where it wasn’t just a good idea to be an open book… it was a vital one.
I hadn’t been married long but I knew enough to know that unconfessed sin in my life wouldn’t just effect me and my relationship with God… it would effect Derek’s relationship with God and with me. If two become one, then sin struggles influence the both of us.
So I prayed and worried and waited and prayed and worried and waited for Derek to come home.
As I heard him walking up the stairs to our little apartment, my heart started pounding. I knew Derek loved me, but confessing sin he didn’t know about was new territory for me and I couldn’t help but feel anxious.
He came in smiling as usual, unaware of my plight.
I welcomed him in, and set his lunch on the table. We chit chatted about this and that, but I knew sooner or later I’d have to turn the conversation in a more serious direction.
Finally, I looked at him and told him I had something to tell him. But when he turned to look at me, rather than say something remotely intelligible, I just burst into tears. (And let me tell you, I don’t cry often.) I hated for him to know that I was so flawed. I hated to have to tell him that I wasn’t the perfect Proverbs 31 woman… (as if he didn’t already know that.)
The poor man looked distraught. His “non crying” wife was a blubbering mess: What is it, honey? What is it? Why are you crying??
Finally, I pulled myself together and began to speak the words I’d been dreading to say. I wasn’t really sure how much sense I was making. I was trying to get it all out in one breath… I kept apologizing every few words for what I was telling him. I was desperate for him to know how sorry I was.
But I didn’t get to finish.
I didn’t get to pull it all together into a final statement of guilt.
I never had the chance.
And it’s not because my husband broke in to berate me. It’s not because he couldn’t bear to hear me finish. It’s not because he walked out of the room.
No, my words were cut short because Derek only waited long enough to understand the gist of what I was telling him before he stood to his feet, put his hands on my shoulders, lifted me to my feet and wrapped me in his arms. He held me and he comforted me, and reassured me gently and quickly that he was so thankful I told him and that he forgave me completely.
In a moment where my husband had every human right to ridicule me or be bitter toward me… he showed me complete and unmerited grace.
In that moment, my husband accomplished two things.
First, He loved me as Christ loves the church by his immediate forgiveness.
And secondly, he set the standard of grace in our marriage. He let me know that I could come to him with anything and in doing so he encouraged me to greet him with the same grace if and when he ever came to me in the same way.
Overcoming that sin in my life was so much easier from then on… because bringing a sin to light brings freedom, accountability, and a helping hand in our struggles.
He set the foundation for the giving and receiving of grace in our marriage. And eight years later, I’ve never forgotten. We still strive to meet each other this way when we come confessing our sins and struggles. He set a beautiful tone, and it rings true today.
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So why did I choose to share this?
Well, I’m reminding myself of the my own need to receive grace and to give grace. Big transitions in life can be hard. Two sinners trying to accomplish big things can lead to a big ole mess if grace isn’t constantly extended for the other persons feelings, struggles, and imperfections.
I also thought maybe someone else needed to hear it. I’ve shared this story many times with friends when we talk about the importance of grace in marriage. I think we all needed to be reminded that grace is possible and in a world of broken marriages, there’s hardly a place where it’s needed more. Being open with your spouse and encouraging them to be so with you is not only Biblical, I believe it’s a beautiful open door to a strong, joy filled, enduring marriage.
I’ll leave you with a few lines from one of my favorite songs by Casting Crowns called Broken Together:
“Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together?
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us?
The only way we’ll last forever is broken together.“
My Family Freedom 