PART 4
So, yes. My first date with Derek was a double date. With my parents.
Now you might be thinking, bless her poor conservative, homeschooler heart. Her parents were probably super paranoid and never gave them a moment alone. Well, let me bust that myth before you can give it much consideration.
First off, you need to understand that I’ve always, even in my teen years, loved my parents’ company. To hang out with them has always been one of the tops on my list of favorite things to do. For instance, when I turned 18, my mom gave me the option of throwing a huge birthday bash with all my friends, or taking a girl’s weekend away, just the two of us. I opted for the latter.
Secondly, you need to understand that my parents are slightly sarcastic people, in the loveliest of ways. And I’m pretty sure it all started when my parents joked about the idea of double dating with Derek and I for this first go round. And I specifically remember them saying that we definitely didn’t have to do that when I said I thought it actually sounded kind of fun.
Then my appreciation for Derek only grew when he said that he was totally fine with that idea.
And if you are thinking, wow, what a family affair… maybe I shouldn’t mention that when the four of us arrived at Outlaws, the only nice restaurant for 50 miles… my big brother was our waiter. Hey, no judging! That got us free drinks, if I remember correctly! But yeah, I know. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea. But we all look back on it quite fondly.
The Good, The Bad, And The Funny
That night out with my parents started off our dating days. And yes, we did go out for quite a few dinners and walks and movies, just the two of us. We definitely wanted my parents involved, and while they did lay down some rules and guidelines, they were super cool about trusting us and giving us space and helping us work through our own convictions in that area. We made some really fun memories, some sweet and some hilariously awkward. I look back on that time and there are so many things that make me smile, so I thought I’d share a few.
A Couple Who Prays Together…
Before very long at all, we started a Bible study together, first in my family’s RV (my parents would hang out back in their room), and then in the little apartment right next door that my parents and brother and I would eventually move into. That was a really neat time of being in the word together and I think it’s vital for every couple, married or not. It gave us the opportunity to find out where the other stood on theological topics, as well as how we could pray for one another and grow together in the Lord.
The [Dress] Ups and Downs of Dating
I think it might have been toward the beginning of our relationship. Derek had asked me to go to Outlaws for dinner. Now, living in the middle of rural North Dakota, there wasn’t a whole lot to dress up for, except church, and even that was usually a pretty casual affair. But I had myself a date, and I was gonna do it right! I must have spent a couple hours in my room (we were in our apartment by now) picking the perfect outfit, straightening my hair, doing my make up and staring in the mirror. Now as I said before, I wasn’t really comfortable in my own skin at that time and I was feeling a little bit like Mia Thermopolis from Princess Diaries… “Well, this is as good as it’s gonna get”… but I have to say I definitely put in some effort!
Shortly before I finished getting ready, I heard Derek come to the door and listened to he and mom chatting in the kitchen for a few minutes. I popped my head out of my bedroom and wondered why he was here when he obviously was nowhere near ready to go out for the evening. I mean, he was wearing a grey Under Armour type t-shirt, with an old pair of camouflage shorts, and a pair of black tennis shoes. (I can’t describe how badly it all clashed.) I figured he must have stopped by for a different reason and would surely go next door to his apartment and change before officially picking me up.
But he kept chatting… and chatting… and chatting. I remember my mom later telling me that she knew I was back there getting all dressed up and was at war with herself on whether or not to give Derek a hint. (But bless her heart, my mom has always done her best to let us work out our own problems.) I finally walked out to ask when he was planning to actually pick me up, still assuming he would go change. But as soon as he saw me walk into the kitchen, he gave me his big ole grin and said, “Hey! You ready to go?”
Now, this is the difference between dating and being married. If Derek Hixson tried to pull that today, I’d look at him and tell him I wasn’t stepping one foot out the door until he at least went and put on a decent pair of jeans. But back then, when I was still testing the waters, I swallowed my horror, and said I was all set. As we walked from our apartment to his, I kept hoping he’d say he was going to run upstairs and change real quick. But nope. My hopes were dashed.
I know it’s terrible but I was slightly ticked off the whole evening. I think we still had a good time, but it rubbed me so wrong that he didn’t seem to know how off his outfit was. He kept complimenting me on how nice I looked, which should have made me smile, but I absolutely refused to return the compliment.
We went for a walk after dinner and suddenly Derek looked at me and said, “Hey, you don’t seem like yourself tonight. Is everything ok? You’ve been kind of quiet.”
I tried to put him off, but I finally spilt the beans and let him know that I’d worked really hard to look nice that night and felt like he hadn’t tried at all. And it bothered me. The funniest thing is that he then told me he really thought his outfit looked nice and couldn’t understand what was wrong with it.
There’s no real ending to this story other than to say it’s been an ongoing joke ever since and he still defends that outfit to the death.
Eau De Toilette
It was the night before Christmas and Derek came to my family’s apartment to ride together to the Christmas Eve service in town.
I was in the bathroom getting ready when he arrived, and the last thing I’d done was… well (TMI warning!)… go number two. The bathroom was right by the front door (this was a tiny apartment), so I knew he’d be waiting right there when I came out. I grabbed the Febreze. No way I was going to let my boyfriend know that I’m a normal pooping human being. Not cool. So I sprayed the room like crazy, waited a moment to let the fog and mist calm and got ready to head out the door. The moment I stepped out, Derek turned, grinned at me with that big ole grin, and as genuine as anything, said, “Wow! You smell great!”.
I held it together, said “Thank you”, followed him out the front door and hoped that perhaps he’d never know the truth.
Learning His Love Language
The very next morning, Derek came over to join our family for exchanging gifts. What does one purchase for a guy she’s been dating only two months? I decided to try to do something special but no overboard… I mean, I didn’t want to seem like I had certain expectations to be met by showering him with too many gifts. So, I bought a basket and filled it with chocolate, coffee (the boy has always been a java junkie), the book “My Utmost For His Highest” by Oswald Chambers, and a new coffee mug. Since I wouldn’t give him the real thing unless he married me, I filled the mug with Hershey chocolate kisses as an official “first kiss” from me. So, anyway, it was well thought out, but small and simple.
Derek walked in the door looking a bit St. Nick like with his load of gifts. I didn’t think much of it at that moment seeing as there were four people in my family and I figured they’d be divided up evenly between us.
But I began to get a little worried when Derek handed one gift to my dad, one to my mom and one to my brother, and then turned with his arms overflowing to gift me with the rest. I was blown away. I’ve since learned that giving gifts is one of Derek’s love languages. He had gone above and beyond. He bought me a devotional, a heating pad for my sore joints, a massaging pillow for my often aching neck, and a printer and cartridges for my new laptop. And I’m pretty positive that there were at least a few other gifts that escape me at this moment. I sat there so grateful and floored at how generous and thoughtful he’d been, but also feeling terrible about how simple and small my gift was.
But just like the sweet man he is, Derek was super grateful for his gift… especially that “first kiss”. And that mug remains one of his favorites.
Cradle Robber
It’s important to realize that there were eight years separating Derek and I. Now, had I looked and carried myself in a more mature manner or had Derek had a baby face, it might not have been so obvious. But truth be told, though I was 19, I still looked and often acted younger than my age (I can’t believe it didn’t drive Derek insane.) I could have easily passed for 15 with no effort whatsoever. And Derek didn’t look old, but he definitely looked his age, right there nearing the 30 mark. So I could tell multiple stories of the questions poor Derek received about “Robbing the cradle” or the concerned looks I sometimes got in public when people could see he certainly wasn’t old enough to be my dad but looked a little too old to be a 15 year olds boyfriend.
Thankfully, these years of marriage and children have shrunk the obvious age gap a little (let’s just I’ve stopped plucking my grey hair), and we don’t get those looks anymore. But they do make for really good stories.
The Random Dates
I honestly think some of my favorite memories from our dating season were the random date nights. It still makes me happy to remember the many times I’d hear a knock at the door in the mid afternoon on a week day and Derek would be there asking me if I just wanted to go for a walk or run into town. Or he’d have an early day and ask if I wanted to go to Williston (the “big city” about 50 miles away) to get supplies for a job and grab a bite to eat.
There was nothing super special about those dates, except that they were spur of the moment and I absolutely LOVE surprises and the unexpected.
And yet…
I’m giving you a glimpse of the special and memorable moments of those six months of dating. Moments we look back on fondly and over which still share many laughs.
But sadly, it wasn’t really a walk in the park.
In many ways and for many reasons, we were walking a path, side by side, but very separately. Our feelings, hopes for the future, and overall dispositions were simply not aligning and it was a struggle to understand where this path was leading. This became more and more apparent as the months went on, and eventually it became obvious that we could only continue like this for so long…
My Family Freedom 