PART 5
So, the last chapter was the fun part of our dating season.
What comes now is the “not so fun” part.
As I said before, when Derek and I started this relationship, I still only saw him as a friend, but I was willing to see where it led. If we got along so well in the beginning, surely that would grow into something, right???
The only problem was that, six months in, our relationship had gone… well… nowhere.
The moment we were officially “together”, the laid back conversations suddenly became much more difficult. The ease with which we had first interacted was quickly replaced with a tenseness of expectation that I don’t think either of us had anticipated. We were “a couple” now, so things should be different, right? If this was meant to be a romantic relationship, surely we need to say romantic things and make romantic gestures, cause that’s what you do, isn’t it?
I remember feeling frustrated because our easy, fun but short lived friendship had become a serious relationship that I wasn’t sure I was ready for.
Now, to be very clear. Derek never pushed me toward this. He was always a gentleman and cared what I thought. I think I was so sure that this would work since we’d gotten along so well in the beginning, I refused to think that I should consider breaking it off.
There was also that “True Love Waits” part of me that was always hoping to only date one person and that he would just be “the one.” It would blow that expectation (not to mention my pride) to pieces if Derek and I broke up. I’d waited, and he’d waited… this had to be right.
Trouble From The Start
This is where everything I told you about myself in PART 1 comes crashing back into this unconventional fairy tale.
I was an emotional, physical, and spiritual mess.
I was selfish, unsure, frustrated, immature, hurt, insecure, and very, very tired of being in physical pain.
See, from the time I was 13 years old, I’d had intense back and neck pain that doctors couldn’t explain. They even sent me from Mississippi up to Mayo Clinic in Minnesota at the age of 15 to try and get some answers but to no avail. I was in and out of doctors offices, chiropractors, and physical therapists for the entirety of my teens. The activities I loved the most were taken away because the pain was too great. Part of the reason I’d come up to North Dakota to live with my parents in the first place was because the joint pain and headaches had made it impossible to continue my studies.
All I could see was my world falling apart before my very eyes. I wanted to finish my degree… and now I had to put it on hold. I wanted to feel beautiful, to feel healthy… but I felt so very far from that. I wanted to chase dreams, to travel, to answer the call I felt to foreign missions… but no, here I was, on the prairie of North Dakota with not a whole lot of opportunity for adventure or excitement anywhere in sight. I couldn’t even hold a steady job because of the pain in every joint on the right side of my body (never the left, only the right… which seemed strange at the time… but that will make more sense later on.)
All this to say, I was a kind of a miserable human.
Rather than trusting that God had a plan in all of this, though I would never have verbally denied it, I wallowed in self pity. I was defensive and very focused on protecting my insecure self at all times
And y’all… let’s just say, that combination makes for a lousy girlfriend and impossible wife.
This all caused there to be such a high wall around my heart that, although he didn’t know it at the time, Derek had no chance of breaking through.
Ice, Ice, Baby
As much as I hated myself for it, I was often so cold toward Derek.
For example, there was the time that Derek, my brother, and my dad were headed to the Desiring God conference in Minneapolis. They’d be gone for three days. When all three men in my life were standing by the front door preparing to leave, I hugged Dad. I hugged my brother…. and, wait for it… I waved at Derek. Yes, I WAVED.
Yes, I was a jerk, and yes, he was hurt.
I remember another time I decided to take him a plate of cookies at work. Sweet, right? Well, it was, until I brushed off any sentimentality by telling him I just happened to have some leftovers so I thought I’d drop them by and he could share with his co workers (he worked with his brother-in-law and another man from church). I couldn’t just say I was thinking of him and wanted to do something sweet. That would have made me feel vulnerable and well… I certainly couldn’t let that happen.
Another time, I needed to meet a friend for something a few hours away, and I thought my mom would take me. (I couldn’t drive at the time as my neck and shoulder were quite locked up). While at Bible study at a friend’s house that evening, my mom informed me that Derek had offered to take me. Want to know what I did? I turned toward him (he was standing a few feet away, surrounded by a group of our friends, mind you), and proceeded to sigh, roll my eyes, and say, “Really?” I was embarrassed by his sweet gesture (probably because mine were so lacking) and lashed out the only way I knew how.
(Oh, my word, I haven’t thought about these things in sooooooo long and I’m really angry at my 19 year old self right now. So if you are too, I completely understand.)
Oh, but wait, there’s more! Let me fill you in on the time I was telling Derek about a conversation I’d had with my young, male physical therapist. I mentioned to Derek that he had come into the conversation. When Derek asked me if I had told said guy that he and I were dating, I hesitantly told Derek that I’d only referred to him as my friend… sighting the excuse that I hated the term “boyfriend” because it sounded cheesy and immature. And somehow (in my mind, though I never said it) I felt super vindicated because I seriously just didn’t seem him that way. As if that fact wouldn’t be so much more hurtful to Derek than my first lame excuse.
The honest truth is that I can’t believe that sweet man was ever attracted to me in the first place. It’s even harder for me to wrap my mind around the fact that he was convinced, even through all this, that I was the one he was supposed to marry. Of course my behavior concerned him, but he was as faithful, loyal and true as he could have been.
Not to say he was perfect. Of his own admission, Derek would say that he had some growing to do spiritually during that time. It had been a season of deep change and growth in his walk with Christ and I sometimes felt that it was more my convictions that led our relationship than his. That was honestly a valid point of concern for me. But as you can clearly see, I was no walk in the park myself and had tons of maturing to do. I needed to grow spiritually, but more than anything, I needed to grow up and act like the adult I claimed I was.
You couldn’t have told me that at the time, though. I seriously couldn’t see the mess I was. I knew I was surviving and trying to make the best of things. And I thought I was doing a pretty darn good job of it.
End Of A Chapter
Well, for obvious reasons, Derek began to show signs of lacking trust in me and our relationship. Who could blame him? I seemed far from invested or committed. And yet, I took offense at his lack of trust. I knew I wouldn’t actually cheat on him or anything like that so I saw his doubts as hurtful and unfounded. (If you can’t tell by now, at this point in my life, I struggled to EVER think I might actually be in the wrong. Another lovely trait to add to my incredibly attractive personality back then.)
I know I seem down on myself here, but knowing how rocky our relationship was and how cruel, immature and insensitive I could be will matter later in the story.
I remember the day it all finally came out. We were walking around our tiny little town and the goal of our relationship came into conversation. Where was this whole thing supposed to lead? We didn’t seem to be gaining any real ground. There were obviously trust issues between us, we were arguing quite a bit, and felt no further along than we’d been six months before when we started this relationship.
It still breaks my heart to picture his face as I told Derek that I thought we should take a two week period of time apart and really pray over what step needed to come next. This idea was upsetting to him. It seemed he believed in and loved me even when I didn’t love myself and thusly couldn’t love him. Still, Derek agreed to take the time for prayer and we left it at that.
So, that’s what we did. We took those days to pray, to be in the Word, and to seek council. It wasn’t a whole lotta fun, I’ll tell ya that.
Two weeks later, Derek texted and asked me to meet him at the park down the road so we could talk things over.
As we faced each other across the picnic table that sunny, spring afternoon, we knew this conversation would be a make it or break it.
“I’d like to hear from you first.” I said.
I already knew what conclusion I’d come to, but I didn’t want Derek coming to a decision based off of anything I said.
“Well,” he began with a solemn, deep southern drawl. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and praying and… even though I enjoy our friendship and I respect you as a person. I don’t think it’s God’s will that you and I try to get married and build a life together.”
And in that moment, I breathed the biggest sigh of relief.
……..
My Family Freedom 