PART 8
It all began on a Friday night. I was hanging out for the first time with my new friend, Jamie. We were just getting to know each other, so we’d been sharing about our pasts and where we’d come from.
I’d been telling Jamie about Derek. I told her how he and I had dated but it just hadn’t worked out. I went into a few details about what had gone wrong. I made it clear, under no uncertain terms, that he and I were not meant to be together.
As Jamie was getting ready to leave, my parents came in the door from wherever it was they’d been for the evening. And wouldn’t ya know it… they had news. Right there in front of Jamie, they let me know that Derek had contacted them that evening saying he would be coming through town on his way home from vacation in North Carolina. He’d asked if they wanted to meet for coffee and just catch up for a bit. Gotta love Derek, the ever social butterfly. Only he would text his ex-girlfriends parents to meet up for a cup of coffee.
Well, this was awkward.
I’d JUST told Jamie about him. And the look she gave me was pretty classic.
Trying to save face and not being at all sure what I thought, I muttered. “Well… do I have to go??”
“No.” Came the simple answer from my parents. They aren’t ones for drama.
Jamie left shortly after and my mom asked if I thought I would go.
“Well, I mean, of course I’m gonna go.” I didn’t have any expectations of how this would play out, but if felt kind of silly to not at least go say hello. I mean, we were friends after all… even if I was angry at him for talking to another woman.
Maybe this meeting would help me solidify that we’d both moved on and everything was fine.
The next morning arrived. We pulled up at the coffee shop and headed inside.
Let me be clear that I had absolutely no inkling of any changes in my feelings when we walked through the door.
But when I looked up and saw Derek standing there at the counter that morning, hair combed, dressed in a very handsome sweater and jeans, and sporting that ever heart warming smile… something happened.
Something completely unexpected.
In all the time we’d known each other, through meeting and dating and breaking up, for the very first time, I looked at him and I thought to myself:
Dang, that’s a good looking man right there.
Wait, what? Where did that come from? This is not the appropriate time for that thought. I needed that a year ago and it was nowhere to be found.
I quickly pushed those thoughts aside and we made our way over to say hello. There was an empty room in the cafe with two couches facing each other. Derek and I sat on one side and mom and dad on the other.
It was really a lovely time of catching up. The whole time I was surprised at how much I was enjoying it. Toward the end of the coffee date, Mom told Derek that she had a few things for him to take back to our friends in North Dakota and she’d forgotten to bring them along. She asked if he wanted to follow us back to our apartment to pick them up.
Let It Snow
On the way back my parents and I began discussing how nice our visit had been. My mom then mentioned that there was snow storm coming in that evening. She said we could offer for Derek to stay and avoid icy roads but wasn’t sure how I’d feel about that. I surprised myself by saying that I really didn’t mind. During the awkwardness of breaking up, I’d forgotten how much I enjoyed his company. There was now a lack of pressure that I was appreciating and I didn’t mind the thought of him staying.
When we got to our apartment and ran the idea by Derek, he thought about it for a moment before agreeing. We also told him our local Christmas parade was that night and he’d be welcome to join us if he wanted to stay. (He later told me that if he’d left right then, he actually could have beat the storm… but he liked the idea of staying a little longer, so he did.)
Later that day, before the Christmas parade, we were walking around Barnes & Noble. My parents had gone off to look at a few things, leaving Derek and I alone for a moment. I don’t think I beat around the bush. I think I straight up asked him if he was dating someone. It had been bugging me and I’m not good at hiding things. When Derek told me that it hadn’t worked out between him and the young woman, I was relieved. I still didn’t know why, but I was. He asked me if that was why I’d been cold shouldering him… surprise, surprise, he noticed! As he told me why it hadn’t worked, I remember hearing more conviction in his voice than he’d had when he and I were together. I was encouraged by it.
Off we went to the Christmas parade. As we walked from the our vehicle toward Main Street, my parents walked in front of us holding hands. (Cause they’re stinkin’ adorable like that.) I remember thinking it felt weird not to be holding Derek’s hand. I’d hardly ever known a time where I was with him and not well… with him. And it bothered me a little.
When we got home that that evening, the conversation between the four of us was fun and effortless. We goofed off and laughed and had a really great time. I remember, at one point in the evening, I looked over at Derek and the thought involuntarily popped into my head: “Why don’t you marry that man?”
I was taken aback and thought I might be just a little crazy. So yes, I could tell through various things Derek said that his convictions in his walk with Christ were growing. (Something that had previously been of concern to me.) I also knew God had changed a lot in me as far as how I saw myself and others. I was finally “growing up”, the wall was breaking down and my heart not so hard… but that didn’t mean Derek and I needed to go get married. Good gracious.
Friends Again
When Derek left the next day, he later told me that he had no thought other than the fact that he was glad that he and I were friends again.
I felt the same way. As confusing as the weekend had been, I wasn’t honestly thinking anything would come of it.
Over the next three months we began texting much more frequently, figuring that this was acceptable since we’d made peace and were getting along again. We would chat about this and that. I called him in February on his birthday to see how his day had gone… and we may or may not have chatted for an hour and a half or so.
Still, at this point, both Derek and I figured this was simply the sign of a renewed friendship.
But, let me tell you, from the time Derek came at Christmas and through the next couple months, I was in a sort of turmoil. See, I’d become interested in a young man at our church during those months. One reason being that he really was a great guy and I felt like we had a connection of sorts. There was a real attraction there. I hadn’t expressed it to him, but I definitely felt something. Still, truth be told, I knew Derek was on my mind nearly all the time and I felt like this was my step in going forward. I was glad Derek and I were friends, and sure, we’d both changed in some healthy ways, but I needed to move on from that relationship. Right? I told my parents about the young man at church… but I never ONCE told them about my struggles regarding Derek. And that’s weird for me. I tell them everything.
My confusion about relationships led me into some much needed time of prayer and the realization that some of my fear came from the hurt I’d felt and caused in my high school and college days toward some of the guys in my life. Repentance and the letting go of this part of my past was a big step during these confusing months.
Still, my divided heart and attentions remained.
My Confession
My struggle continued on until one evening in March. I was sitting at the dinner table with my parents and I sort of puked my thoughts and confusion all over them. I don’t remember how it came up or why but, all of a sudden, I threw my hands up in exasperation:
“I can’t get him off my mind!”
“Who?” My mom asked.
“Derek! I’ve tried and I’ve tried but he’s on my mind all the time!”
Now, I was hoping my parents would sit back, chuckle a little, and tell me to get over myself and him and move on. What’s done is done.
But no. No, that’s not what happened.
“Oh, we’re so glad!”
I looked up. “You’re what???”
“Well, we could see it at Christmas and ever since. That long conversation on his birthday. You guys have grown and changed and we could see the possibility. We’ve even prayed for it!”
Yeah… obviously my parents were ahead of the game again and saw what I’d refused to see.
The conversation didn’t last long as I was supposed to meet Mandy for our weekly coffee. As she and I sat there chatting about our week, I didn’t say a word about my dinner discussion with my parents.
But suddenly, she stopped, looked at me, and said “Ok… there’s a guy isn’t there?”
I kid you not. So, I spilt the beans and she listened like a good friend. But I didn’t end our coffee date with any real answers to my dilemma.
Deliberation
And that was that. For the next three days, I deliberated, struggled, and questioned my intentions over and over and over. Derek went from being a lot of what I thought about to ALL I thought about.
I remember my dad looking at me: “Are you going to tell him?”
“How? Wouldn’t that be kind of weird? To just call a guy up like that?”
I love my dad’s honesty. “Ummmm… he already did that and you made it quite clear you weren’t interested. I’d say it’s up to you to tell him if that’s changed.”
But here was the problem… I knew there was one thing I’d have to be absolutely certain of if I made that phone call.
I’d have to be willing and wanting, not just to date Derek… but to marry him.
I wasn’t going to call him and play with his heart by asking to “try again” and see if it worked. Derek and I had been there and done that. God was in this, or he wasn’t.
Derek lived a state away and I literally never saw him. I’d tried to walk away. And I had every opportunity. God could’ve continued to pull my heart toward the young man at church, or in any other direction.
But somehow, I knew with certainty that God was changing my heart and feelings toward Derek. And if that were so, then I should marry him. It was as simple as that. It was crazy, but it was simple.
After three days of prayer and many, many conversations with my parents… I texted Derek and asked if he could call me. He said he was at Bible Study and would call me after.
When the phone rang, my heart skipped a beat. My parents suddenly decided that they’d go for a walk. (Bless their hearts, you can only have so much privacy in a 1,000 sq. foot apartment.)
“Hello?” I answered tentatively.
“Hey, there!” His jovial voice came over the line.
We exchanged a few pleasantries.
I didn’t wait very long to get to why I’d called him.
“So ummm… yeah, I asked you to call me cause, uh, we… I… I need to talk to you about something.” I closed my eyes and couldn’t believe what I was about to say.
My Family Freedom 