As you might already know, my parents moved from Mississippi to Montana to church plant when I was 18.
Well, with my parents heading cross country, I was moving out and in need of a roommate.
But you see… although it’s quite common for 18 year olds to be off on their own and living in a dorm with other 18 year olds… my parents and I came up with a different plan.
Rather than move me into the dorms… I moved in with a friend from our old church. Kathy was in her early 50’s and lived alone, having been widowed about five years prior. She had been a friend, not only to my parents, but to me personally.
How It All Began
Our relationship really had it’s start when, a couple of years before this, I’d approached Kathy at church and asked if she’d being willing to meet with me for a Bible study as a form of mentorship. She’d been my Sunday school teacher for a couple years and it didn’t take me long to see that I needed to spend more time with her. Kathy had many attributes that spoke of the wisdom she’d attained over the years, but I think one of the things I appreciated most about her… was her gentle and quiet spirit.
Now, anyone who knows me know that I’m the definition of gentle and quiet.
If you’ve known me any time at all, you know me as being discerning in all of my words, as well as the most empathetic, soft hearted, and sweet tempered human you could ever hope to meet.
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Ok, so, you’re probably thinking one of two things right now: Perhaps your thinking, “I don’t know her, but if this is true she’s sure proud of it.” Orrrrr, “I know that chick and she’s talking craziness.”
Alright… maybe I exaggerated a little…
Or a lot.
Fine, anyone who knows me, knows that none of the attributes I just named are a strong point for me.
It’s not that I don’t try, but my brain, mouth and emotions tend to run over each other and sometimes for the worse.
Because of this fact, when I meet women who seem to have a better handle on the whole gentle and quiet spirit referred to in 1 Peter 3, I love to spend as much time with them as possible.
And so, seeing that gentle and quiet spirit in Mama Kathy (Ok, so, as you can see, I basically stick mama on the front of the women I feel closest to 😉 ), caused me to see her as a mentor and I didn’t at all mind the thought of living with her for my sophomore year of college.
A Definition
Now, when I say that Mama Kathy has a gentle and quiet spirit, there are two things you should know.
The first thing is, from what she’s told me, this wasn’t always the case. In fact, she might not even believe me when I tell her it’s true of her today. She’s told me many stories of the person she was before coming to Christ. She said her journey of sanctification has been a long one and she’s far from the person she used to be.
I find this to be an encouragement. Knowing how far God’s love, Christ’s work and the Spirit’s conviction can bring a person is incredibly bolstering. Maybe I’m not a lost cause after all!
Second, you should know that possessing a “gentle and quiet spirit” doesn’t mean being shy or fearfully reserved. I know that’s often what people think of when they hear this phrase, but that’s not what women are called to be or what Mama Kathy is by a long shot. And I think it’s important to point that out.
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I believe a gentle and quiet spirit refers to a grace-giving kindness and wisdom regarding when to speak and when not to and how to speak when you do.
I think when you possess these traits, what you say tends to make people stop and listen.
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See, when I think of Mama Kathy, I think of one of the kindest humans on the planet. She’s super sweet, has a beautiful sense of humor, and though she has endured some incredibly difficult circumstances (such as the loss of her husband at a young age), the joy of the Lord has been so evident in her life.
And yet…
Mama Kathy has always been honest with me whether or not it’s what I wanted to hear in the moment. Her kindness and gentle heart never kept her from speaking truth when I needed to hear it… but those traits did help me to stop and listen, knowing her words came from a loving heart.
Here are a few examples.
“I’m Not Gonna Be Your Mama”
When I moved in with her, she looked at me and said,
“I’m here if ya need me, but I’m not gonna be your mama.”
What she was saying was that I needed to be responsible and make my own decisions. She was just there if I needed advice or a helping hand (such as insisting on buying this broke college student some groceries or filling my tank with gas when she found out I was living on $10 of gas every few days.)
Still, I was an adult and she planned to treat me as such. I needed to take responsibility for my life and choices and she’d hang back unless she truly thought I was being completely irrational.
I had no idea how much I needed that. I made many a dumb choice that year, but having no one but myself to blame was so helpful in my journey to maturity. I suddenly had to ask myself what my actual convictions were because I didn’t have my parents rules to go off of anymore.
At that point, her gentle and quiet spirit stepped back and let me work through my own life decisions and that was a huge step I needed to take.
A Heart To Heart
I remember another time we were tag teaming for a youth event. I was a counselor and she was our host home for the weekend. One evening, as the service drew to a close, I became incredibly convicted over a sin struggle I couldn’t seem to shake.
It was something I’d hardly ever spoken of to anyone.
A struggle so deep and dark, I feared rejection or surprise if I dared share it with anyone besides, perhaps, my parents. But my parents weren’t in my daily life and I knew I needed accountability.
I pulled Mama Kathy aside and, completely broken, confessed what I’d been struggling with and how badly I needed God’s strength to overcome it. My fears of disgust or disdain from her were completely unfounded as she wrapped an arm around me, and without any censure or self-righteousness offered words of encouragement to continue to battle sin’s temptation and then she began praying over me, reminding me that we all will struggle and that accountability and prayer were a wise thing to seek out.
There… I had told this dear friend the worst thing about me… and her gentle, reassuring spirit remained.
Calling My Bluff
Oh, and here’s another story! If you’ve read my “Our Story” series about how I met my husband, you know I was HUGELY into the purity culture movement in high school and college. Even into college I refused to date and I had this slightly self-righteous idea that my friends really would do well to follow my example.
And when they didn’t, I had many thoughts.
So, when my best friend in college began dating a guy who was… wait for it… EIGHT YEARS OLDER THAN HER! I was horrified. Did she not realize how weird and inappropriate that was???
(Y’all, stop it… how was I to know I’d meet my older man just months later? 😉 )
She was spending all of her time with him, and seemed to be avoiding me for some reason. (It certainly couldn’t have been due to my sanctimonious attitude.)
I was simply a concerned friend who was baffled and hurt and needed to tell someone.
So, I came home one day and told Mama Kathy. I needed someone to be worried with me and justify my feelings. I honestly expected her to look at me and say, “Good gracious, she’s crazy and you are so right. You should be the most important part of your friend’s world and dating older guys is sinful.”
But y’all, that’s not what she said.
She empathized with me in her sweet way… but then proceeded to remind me that age gaps aren’t all that unusual, that it’s normal to spend lots of time with a person when you first start dating, and that maybe it was nothing personal. Then she looked at me with a sympathetic smile:
“Are you sure you’re not a little jealous?”
I didn’t like the question then, but it only took me about six months (ya know, after I met Derek and all), to realize that she had hit the nail on the head… my envy and self- righteousness was causing a much larger rift in my friendship than anything my friend had done. But Mama Kathy simply asked the question as gently as she could, and left me to figure it out myself.
The Best Roomie
I lived with Mama Kathy for about nine months, and as you might know if you’ve read my Our Story series, I probably wasn’t the easiest person to live with.
But I wasn’t just working through attitude issues, I was also still trying to figure out how to be an adult.
Without my mom there to remind me… I wasn’t really the best at keeping my room clean. Still, Mama Kathy never seemed bothered. (Though she did tell me one time that the bug exterminator was coming to spray and he’d have to be able to find my floor in order to do so.)
Mama Kathy also opened her home many times, allowing me to have friends over for study dates and sleepovers and always seemed to feel it was the more the merrier. She really treated me more like a daughter than a roomie.
At that point in my life I had lacking communication skills, a rather self serving attitude, and a tendency to blame anyone but me for my problems… and never once did I feel as though Mama Kathy was annoyed or frustrated with me. She took my immaturity with such stride and chose her words wisely. She spoke truth in love and brought a gentle honesty into my life that I so desperately needed.
She really was the best college roomie I ever had.
Even Now…
More than a decade later, when I go back to Mississippi for a visit, Mama Kathy is my home away from home. Ironically, she now has a whole passel of grandsons so my boys feel right at home when we visit. Mama Kathy has all the toys and boy things my little guys could hope for and I always book a stay with her whenever we come to town.
She always greets me with a hug and wants to know all that’s new in my life. Her kind spirit encourages me to no end and I don’t think she truly understands the impact she’s had and continues to have on me.
Christ is to be our ultimate example for how to behave and live. But I think we all have those people we highly respect who we think of when we’re considering how to react to trying or confusing situations. Alongside a few other women, Mama Kathy is certainly that for me.
Culture Created
In a culture obsessed with creating powerful women in all the worst ways… Mama Kathy created culture in my life by allowing me to see how truly powerful and beautiful a gentle and quiet spirit can be. That genuine smile and listening ear… her unending patience, wise words and humble heart have been so influential in my life.
For someone like me who is often rash with my words and to think before I speak is a slow work of sanctification…
Mama Kathy has been a blessing and reminder to me that we have such a greater impact on those around us when what we say and how we say it is well thought out and filled with grace and truth.
So, thank you, Mama Kathy, for being an “older woman” in my life and creating such beautiful and much needed culture for “younger women” like me to follow.
Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. ~ 1 Peter 3:3-4
My Family Freedom 