I got married when I was 21.
In years passed that was considered average or even old. Now that’s considered young. Often too young.
Did you know that, according to brides.com, the average age for marriage is on the rise finding that “only 29% of Americans age 18-34 were married in 2018, compared to 59% in 1978”. And from what I can see, there is little exception to this rule within the church.
It seems like a trend that we see quite a few adults in their early to mid 30’s still unmarried these days. Our generation seems to struggle to find their person… and it makes you wonder why?
But first, the disclaimers.
Disclaimer #1
This appeal is not to those who are purposefully pursuing singleness. Singleness is a beautiful blessing and Paul advocates for it in 1 Corinthians 7. So please, don’t accuse me of dissing the single life. It can be a powerful, God honoring thing.
Disclaimer #2
This isn’t meant to be some legalistic, “you’re sinning if you marry after age 30” message. That would be ridiculous. People marry later for a whole host of reasons. Some of them very, very good reasons. It’s simply God’s will that some people aren’t married at 20 years old.
Disclaimer #3
This isn’t an encouragement toward rash or irresponsible decisions for immature young people who want marriage for all the wrong reasons.
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This message is for the responsible young adult who is desiring to pursue a healthy, Christ centered, God honoring marriage, but who feels weighed down with our current cultures heavy expectations and lengthy pre-marital checklist.
And this is a message to the church. Because part of me thinks we’ve played a part in this obvious epidemic of singleness in our generation. I’ve heard advice given and seen worldly standards accepted within the body of Christ that I’m not sure are uplifting or helpful to our young people.
I’ve given this a lot of thought over the past few years and I must say… I’m concerned about the overall attitude toward marriage within the church these days and I think it may be causing marriages to be pushed off without good reason and sometimes to the harm of our young people.
Some will not agree, but I think this is a topic worth discussing.
Here are my concerns on marriage or the lack of it within the church.
1. Marriage Not Treasured
As much as the church tends to appreciate marriage more than the world… I honestly don’t think it’s often treasured enough even then.
These days, young people are taught to value:
~ “Getting to know yourself” and “having it all together” first, over allowing marriage to do it’s beautiful and sanctifying work of growing and maturing you as a couple, and understanding who you are alongside the person with whom you’ll share your life.
~ A debt ridden college degree (cause you definitely can’t get married till you have one), over debt free, hard working young people.
~ Establishing yourself in a career, home, habits, comfortability and routine before marriage, over establishing those things with your life long partner by your side who will ultimately have a part in determining what those look like.
~ The need for adventure and travel and time to yourself over the God given blessing and adventure of starting a life with another Christ lover to walk beside on your journey.
Can I ask a question?
Why are we encouraging our young people to do so much of their young lives alone?
When did we decide that a full bank account, a nice house, and exotic adventure were to be valued and pursued over the God given gift of a spouse?
House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. Proverbs 19:14
When our young people are told to complete this check list before even beginning their search of a spouse… perhaps that’s why this generation has such an abundance of 30 somethings still searching.
2. Purity Culture Gone Too Far
Ok, don’t panic.
I’m not knocking purity culture altogether. I think it addressed a culture of careless dating and sex in the church and I appreciate that fact. I think it did a lot of good.
But as with most issues humans try to fix, sometimes I think the pendulum simply swings too far.
And the generation struggling to marry is, ironically, the exact generation who were teens in the height of this movement.
I believe there were a few negative effects that came along with purity culture… here are a few:
Awkward Interactions
While teaching us to rightfully guard our eyes, bodies and hearts (which is certainly needful)… I think it also made for a generation of young people a bit scared of the opposite sex. It made nearly every interaction feel tainted for fear that we would lust or flirt or say something wrong. I don’t know what the balance should have been but by the time I hit my late teens and early 20’s I began to notice a break down and struggle with any sort of communication with young men of the opposite sex, especially in the conservative camp. I felt as though they were scared to look at me or carry a conversation. I felt myself becoming paranoid over my own interactions.
1 Timothy 5 speaks of treating “younger men as brothers… and younger women as sisters, in all purity.” It doesn’t encourage avoiding them like the plague.
I’m not sure how we can consider this a healthy environment that encourages young people to marry or that this was a healthy result of this movement.
The Power Struggle
While encouraging young people, especially women, to consult believing parents in who they marry, this seems to sometimes play out as a power struggle that a young man might very well feel he can’t win or might not even want to.
I’m all for a young man going to the young woman’s father. I’m all for a father having reasonable expectations for the man who wants to marry his daughter. I asked Derek to talk with my dad when he wanted to pursue me and I’m glad I did. But my dad treated Derek with the utmost respect and didn’t automatically demonize or make him feel less than for simply asking to know me better. My dad encouraged and discipled Derek.
Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers… (1 Tim 5:1)
But I have many times seen fathers who showed no respect or brotherly love for the young man who come to them asking about their daughter. I’ve seen young men treated as though they automatically have ill intentions or that they must go above and beyond to “prove themselves”. It sometimes appears as a power play more than an older man advising and encouraging a younger man in the journey of seeking a wife.
I believe this has likely been off putting to earnest young men in these situations.
Wait Longer… But Stay Pure
As we continue to give these young people reasons to wait longer to get married, (I listed many of them above), we have also pushed them all the harder to remain pure. Yes, purity is vital. God calls us to it. Hebrews 13:4 says:
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
But sometimes I think we forget what 1 Corinthians 7:9 says:
But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
I’m not saying young people should just get married to have sex. But God made men and women to desire each other. And he gave the gift of marriage as a way for his people to fulfill that desire and still be pleasing to him. But we have a church culture elongating singleness while insisting on a heightened commitment to purity at the same time.
This doesn’t seem like a healthy or helpful expectation.
3. Dangerous Addictions Ignored
“I have made a covenant with my eyes;
how then could I gaze at a virgin? (Job 31:1)
This one is pretty simple.
As we live in a culture where porn and a million other downfalls are at our finger tips, the church should be that more vigilant in holding one another accountable in love.
Within the church, accountability is not always a strong suit. Sharing our struggles and sins so that we can bare each others burdens, pray for one another, and be a part of one another’s lives through the good, the bad, and the ugly, is something the American church struggles to do.
I believe the church needs to be available and willing to offer real and ongoing help to the many men and women who have fallen prey to the addictions so readily available these days. But especially young men. In a Desiring God article from 2015, contributor Trip Lee stated that : “Nearly 50% of self-professing Christian men, ages 18–29, acknowledged ongoing use of porn.”
We cannot expect our young people to have healthy marriages if we aren’t willing to BE the church and offer the truth, the counseling and the ongoing accountability that is so desperately needed in the days we are living in.
How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. (Psalm 119:9)
4. Feminism Encouraged
Ooooooohhhh, I’m gonna make some people mad here, though it’s not my intent.
But here goes:
I believe the rise of feminism within the church may be playing a part in this single generation.
Love me or hate me, but the expectation that not only should men be independent, financially stable, college degreed, and set in a career, but now also should women, without exception, has changed the game.
Look, I’m NOT against women working outside the home. I’m NOT against women going to college. I’m NOT against women being able to function on their own. Those things are all well and good.
But we cannot deny that a feministic culture has encouraged women to set themselves up, before marriage, with a set of skills, degrees, and careers because women are no longer encouraged to consider their MAIN responsibility the family and the home. Young women are not encouraged to rely on their husbands because the culture says women should stand alone. Women need to be solely independent.
We are not encouraging women to see home making as a high and God ordained calling. Even within the church, there is a tendency to push women toward self sufficiency so that a husband is a convenience rather than a need.
Men and women need each other and the moment we try to set them up without acknowledging those needs… we’re in trouble.
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” (Genesis 2:18)
Once again, I don’t think a woman pursuing a college degree or a job is wrong. But sometimes I think we are encouraging our young women to see a career outside the home as a safer bet and higher calling than what we see in God’s word:
They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. … (Titus 2)
The church is quickly falling into the belief that men and women are no different and that the idea of God given roles in marriage are suffocating and old fashioned. And I think it’s changing how our young people see marriage.
And like it or not… expecting women to meet the same expectations for marriage as their husband will automatically mean more money and more time before they can even consider tying the knot.
And truth be told… young men feeling less necessary as providers is not a strong encouragement or motivation for them to pursue the necessary means to become so at a younger age.
I didn’t say y’all would like it. I just think it’s true.
In Closing
I decided to touch on this because I’ve seen multiple articles and posts lately on the topic so I thought maybe it was worth having the discussion.
Believe me when I say, I’m not pointing an accusing finger at people who got married on the older side or who are still single.
But I am, perhaps, asking the church as a whole to sit back and consider whether we’ve played an unhealthy part in the ongoing singleness of this generation… of this epidemic of single people who want to be married but aren’t.
And in case anyone is wondering why I’m encouraging young marriage when divorce rates are on the rise… Well, #1: I think the issues within the church are a factor in those numbers well. #2 You might also find it interesting that, according to an article by the Wall Street Journal: “Research shows that marrying young without ever having lived together with a partner makes for some of the lowest divorce rates.”
I hope perhaps the church can return to a place of truly valuing marriage. God’s calling to men… his calling to women… and the beautiful blessing that he gave them in each other.
He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. Proverbs 18:22
In marriage we have accountability, sanctification, the blessing of children, companionship, and a picture of the Gospel itself.
I hope we can encourage young people to treasure marriage again. Over any degree, career, American dream, or itch to travel. Marriage is a God given gift that will always offer more fulfillment, growth, and greater joy than any passing human accomplishment.
That’s all folks.
My Family Freedom 