Part 4
As one might take from my humble selfie in the thick of my college years, for me, sanctification came with no little amount of self-righteousness.
Raised as a preacher’s kid, I was seen as one of two stereotypes: the goodie two shoes or the rebel.
Perhaps I truly landed somewhere in the middle, but my persona was definitely the former.
Throughout my teens and college years, from the outside I looked pretty squeaky clean. Being a people pleaser and hating to disappoint anyone I loved was probably a big part of that. But in truth, there was some real conviction there. I wanted to honor God with my actions and relationships, and made real efforts on that front.
Everything I Was “Doing Right”
I was learning theology. Learning who God was and seeing him at work in my life was priceless to me.
I studied God’s word daily, and it was life to me. My prayer life wasn’t the greatest, though. I mean, I’d pray frequently throughout the day as things came to mind, but to sit in daily, meaningful prayer didn’t happen often. Still, I sort of shrugged it off, figuring there were worse things.
I was heading off on mission trips both local and international whenever possible. I gleaned a lot from what I experienced, though I can’t really say what impact I had on anyone else. But I surely had a passion for it.
I embraced the then popular “purity culture” with zeal. I wore my purity ring proudly and “Kissed Dating Goodbye” with the best of them. I didn’t date in high school or college (there were higher priorities to focus on) and I knew I wouldn’t kiss any guy I did date until he married me.
I was homeschooled and not under some of the same peer pressure as many of my friends… well, at least until our local Community College hit me in the face with all it had to offer.
I had a deep passion to please God and live by conviction.
And yet…
If you’re reading this, you may be thinking… a little high on yourself, weren’t ya?
Yes. I was.
As you might be able to see, a real journey of sanctification can sometimes be accompanied by some real self righteousness, though for long while I was unaware and blinded to it.
It never crossed my mind that I just might have an issue until my college years when I realized I was very suddenly losing friends in droves. And the friends I didn’t lose, I found myself offending frequently.
At first I was trying to figure out why everyone was so easily offended and mad at me? I often found myself in turmoil over the latest drama or broken relationship.
It was only God’s grace that caused me to stop and ask if perhaps I was the reason for some of my own problems. Mind you, this wasn’t until my Sophomore year of college, so it took all the way through my teens to finally stop and do a little soul searching in the area of my pride, but thank God I did.
What I found in my search was a heart filled with passion… and pride.
You see, in an effort to hold other Christians accountable, I realized I was very quick to look at those around me and “lovingly” point out their flaws and mistakes as a good “sister in Christ”, while I was so blinded to many of my own flaws and severe lack of grace. It was much easier to look at the speck in the eyes of my friends than to see the plank hanging out of my eye that smacked them upside the head with every “concern” I brought to them.
Goodness, I’m embarrassed to write that, but it’s true.
I could also be legalistic. I would take a personal conviction on say, dating, and push it on my friends and treat them with subtle disdain when they didn’t agree, or do what I thought was best. (Not to mention I look back and realize I was something of a flirt because I felt guarded by my proclamation that I “wasn’t dating”.)
I had a passion for the scripture and God’s commands but I was very pharisaical in seeing others as in need of my wisdom but not seeing my own need, my own deep seated pride. I knew my own sinful thoughts, words, and actions. Some were obvious…. some not so much, but it was easier to focus on everyone else than to grab hold of my own sinful struggles and truly repent.
A Turning Point
By God’s grace, this realization was a huge turning point.
You see, at the exact time that I was struggling to see just how great a sinner I was and just how great a Savior I needed… I was introduced to reformed theology. Along with this comes the realization of the sovereignty of God and the total depravity (sinfulness) of man.
I’d begun listening to preachers like Paul Washer, Voddie Baucham and John Piper. I was introduced to the writings and sermons of Charles Spurgeon and so many time- tested theologians who were unafraid to point to the dead state of mankind until God chooses, by His grace and kindness, to bring them to life and open their eyes to their deep need.
None is righteous, no, not one;
no one understands; no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good, not even one.” (Romans 3:10-12)
What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God’s part? By no means! For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy. For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills. (Romans 9:14-18)
I began to see that not only did I have no right to take pride in or credit for anything good I did, but I couldn’t even take credit for my coming to Christ in the first place. The grace of God wasn’t a part of why I did good things, it was the only reason I did good things. That “no one may boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9)
Now, you might be thinking, I bet that took ya down a notch!
Well, it should have.
And in some ways it did. I wasn’t so quick to call people out in their sin struggles, I learned more about what loving, Biblical accountability looked like, and became increasingly aware of my own sin and need for grace.
It really was a beautiful season. All of this was occurring as Derek and I were married and started our family.
Seeing God’s deep love and unmerited favor in my life during this time was breathtaking and eye opening. Sections of Scripture that hadn’t made sense suddenly did. It all seemed so much more cohesive as a whole. This was a season of reading book after book and listening to sermon after sermon. I couldn’t talk, study, or think on theology enough.
The Struggle Continues
But pride is sneaky and can manifest itself in many ways in our lives. We may conquer it in one area only to find it in another.
My self-righteousness switched from being set on my good works, to being set on my theology. If I differed with someone on a theological point, I was quick to point it out, quick to scoff, quick to think I knew better. My best friend once playfully accused me of going all “ham and cheese Calvinist” on her. And she wasn’t lying.
God was at work in me. God was sanctifying me. God was revealing himself to me.
But this side of heaven, the work is never done.
And as Christians, pride cannot linger forever unattended in our hearts, no matter it’s form.
I would learn that lesson all too well as, from that pride and self-reliance…
Doubt began to grow in my heart and mind.
Doubts regarding my salvation, my faith, and God Himself.
My Family Freedom 