Hug A “Toxic” Person.

Ok, or no hugs. Hugs are not a necessity. (This coming from someone who generally only hugs people outside of my family if it’s been more than a year since I last saw you or I’m unable to escape the incoming embrace.) But just come with me on this journey. Yes, let’s talk for a moment, about “toxic” people.

What’s A “Toxic” Person?

You see the phrase all over social media. How to spot them, how to deal with them, how to avoid them or get rid of them altogether. (Sounds more like a bug problem than a personal situation dealing with another human being.) Anywho, from my Google search, I found that a “toxic” person can be defined as “draining, non-supportive, and difficult”. Interesting definition. If you ask me, “toxic” seems to be a bit of a strong word to describe someone who is simply needy, inconvenient, or difficult to get along with. But many people seem to think it’s completely appropriate as they continuously share wisdom on dealing with such people, spending lots of time reminding the one affected by said “toxic” person, that they deserve better. Here are a few examples:

Because…ya know, we want to set an example of what it is to be the more mature and considerate person here…

Because that’s actually a real possibility and it’s always helpful to remove all obstacles and tough situations if you really want to grow as a person…right?

Oh. There are just so many things one could say.

So Now What?

How do we deal with “toxic” people then? Do you have a person or persons coming to mind? Are you cringing a bit? Not really wanting to go there? Let’s go there anyway!

It’s such a popular and current belief that if someone in your circle is not super easy to get along with, if they’ve said things that have hurt you, if they’ve ever not fully supported your decisions, if they’ve had the nerve to disagree with you, or if they simply don’t get your vibe or have failed to make you feel amazing in every way…they are to be labeled as toxic and don’t deserve your time, attention, energy, or love. You deserve more. You deserve better. You simply don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

Can I just say something? Stop that. Just stop it.

This is not ok. And if you are a follower of Christ, it’s really not ok. Allow me to explain.

1. We Are Called To Love Without Condition.

But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them… (Luke 6:27-36)

We aren’t called to love other people as they love us. We aren’t directed to return evil for evil. We are called to give, to love, without condition, without boundary. Now, it’s important to note that we are not called to be foolish or to enable people in their sin. We aren’t to encourage or condone these actions. But we are still called to love the people the world calls “toxic” and to love EVEN when it isn’t returned. For it’s these moments that are most pleasing to God.

If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. (Luke 6:32-36)

It’s easy to love, embrace and include those in your life who love you back…who show you the same courtesy and respect you show them…who return the good deeds you do for them. But here we see that the benefit only comes in loving others when it’s hard, or feels nearly impossible.

2. We Are Called To Outdo One Another

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor…be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer…Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. (Romans 12)

I see time and again, even from fellow believers, how they are just so done with giving, with being generous, with helping others, because they don’t see it returned in the same measure. I’ve thought these things myself, but dear friends, it’s not right. We are to walk in humility, gentleness, and generosity. Everything we have, our possessions, our time, our energy, our relationships, our feelings, are not ours; they’re God’s, and we are to hold them loosely in our hands. Don’t worry about overdoing it. Aim for it!

3. We’ve All Been “Toxic”

For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. (Titus 3:3)

We’ve all been there, y’all. Every. Single. One. Of. Us. We’ve all treated someone wrongly. We’ve all been needy. We’ve all offended someone. We’ve all been hateful. We are self-righteous if we can’t see that. When we look down on someone else because of their sin toward us, we forget the kindness we ourselves have received! The passage above goes on to say:

But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy… (Titus 3:4-5)

Christ didn’t treat us as “toxic” but rather as dearly loved. And we did NOTHING to deserve that. He didn’t reject those who treated him as less than he was…Lord help us, we’ve all done that! But rather, he died for us! He gave everything. He gave all. He took everything “toxic” about us onto himself and bore the wrath we deserve! And we think we have the right to label someone JUST LIKE US as “toxic” and hold bitterness toward them? No. We absolutely do not have that right.

Let Me Be Clear

I’m in no way advocating for putting yourself in abusive situations. Not at all. If you fear for your own safety or that of those you love when in the presence of a certain person, then please keep your distance, by all means. We are called to act wisely and to be discerning. And I know some people have experienced true pain at the hands of another person. And I am so very sorry for that. Know that it’s ok to feel hurt. It’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be totally honest with God and even a trusted friend or counselor about what you’re feeling. It’s vital to be discerning and cautious regarding the offender. But, I say this lovingly… you simply cannot hold hatred in your heart toward them. You simply cannot withhold forgiveness. Please don’t become embittered. You are still called to love the one who has offended you. Even if from a distance.

No matter how “toxic” a person in your life may be. I’m begging you not to handle it by accepting the worlds advice to be bitter, to walk away and never look back, to feel vindicated to live in hatred toward them. Don’t withhold mercy, never be unwilling to give grace. Also… be sure your avoiding a person is not simply a matter of being inconvenienced. Be sure you’re not simply guarding yourself from any possible pain or difficulty. No one is saying you have to be best friends. But something you should never cease to do, regardless of the severity of the situation, is pray for them, love them, and be willing to forgive them.

A Summary

“Toxic” people are everywhere. There will always be someone asking more than you want to give. And yes, we are called to be wise and discerning. We are to be good stewards of our time, energy, hearts and relationships. But this will never negate our call to love unconditionally, to be kind, to live generously and to be so ready to extend the grace we ourselves so desperately need.