Anxiety and Motherhood: The Struggle Is Real

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6

Hi, my name is Bethany, and I’m an anxious mama.

It’s a daily battle. A constant fight.

You too? Not so much?

Well, regardless, I must say, as I look at myself and the many mamas around me, anxiety really does seem to be a common theme. There is so much fear bound up in motherhood these days. The pressure to do it all right, to have it all together, and never miss a moment or skip a beat. I really do believe anxiety is a struggle, at least to some degree, in nearly every mama’s heart.

But let me also say that just because something is common doesn’t make it healthy or right. Anxiety over being or becoming the perfect mother can build up in our hearts and it can debilitate us. It can steal our joy. It can inhibit our usefulness. It can make us ungrateful. It can make us envious. It can make us mean. And I think we’ve been fooled into believing that it’s just a part of the territory and there’s no getting around it. But it’s important to remember that the One who created us to be mamas also calls us not to fear or be anxious and to rest in Him. But if you’re like me, I often wonder how in the world do I accomplish that?

So, grab some coffee (cause I’m pretty sure that’s the first step in this journey), snuggle up someplace quiet (JK! We all know that’s not actually a real thing), and let’s chat for a moment about how in the world we can avoid anxiety as we raise our little humans.

Ask What’s Right and What’s Cultural?

So, when it comes to overcoming anxiety in motherhood, I think the first thing we need to do is evaluate the standard to which we our holding ourselves.

There is definitely an ideal floating around on social media of that Pinterest perfect mama that we are all striving to be in some way. What that looks like for each person may vary, but I think we all admire the way other people do things.

We tend to be aware of what’s trending and without really meaning to, we allow ourselves to get caught up in aiming for it, to the point of feeling like a serious failure when we don’t reach that ideal. Whether that ideal is regarding what kind of house you keep, what career or side hustle you’re pursuing, what you feed your kids, what and how much TV you let them watch, whether you’re a crunchy mama, junk food loving mama, or somewhere in the middle, how you dress, how you dress your kids…goodness…I could go on all day.

I so often feel like a bad mom when I don’t meet the standard I’ve set for myself, completely forgetting that although some of these things are healthy to consider, so much of it is cultural and doesn’t define whether or not I am a good mom. Loving, caring for, and investing in my children in a way that follows the guidelines found in the Word of God is the only standard I need to be holding myself to. It’s awesome to take ideas that I come across and apply them, just so long as my possible failure to do so doesn’t cause my heart to be depressed or anxious.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?” Matthew 6:25

Milestones Not Millstones

I may step on some toes here…but there is a trend that I so often see and it kind of makes me sad. I’ll see a post on social media of a mom announcing that her baby is three months old today. There will be a super cute picture…following a crying face emoji and something like #uglycrying #pleasestop #quitgrowingalready. And I’m not trying to be all judgy here (judgy…is that a word?), but honestly, so much of the time, when I see a post about someone’s child hitting a milestone, it’s almost treated more like a millstone around the mothers neck. Like it’s a sad and heartbreaking thing that their baby is growing up and accomplishing new things. I totally get that we need to treasure the moments and enjoy each day…but when we start almost complaining when our children move into a new stage because we somehow feel bereaved of the stage they just left…it can quickly border on being ungrateful that our children are growing and thriving! There are many parents who dearly wish their child was healthy enough or alive to see the stages that each child is expected to see. Dear mama, please don’t let the passing of time be a reason for anxiety, but rather thank God with a joyful heart that your baby is alive and well to see another day, a new stage and another chance to discover all that He has for them in this life!

“This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

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Your Anxiety Is Their Anxiety

I sometimes wonder if I realize how much my mood effects my children, and the entire atmosphere in my home. I wonder if I reacted differently to things, maybe they would too. My children can clearly read when I’m stressed and anxious and it comes through in how they react to me and to each other. And when they see me reacting in a fearful or anxious way to various situations, they learn that this is normal and that’s how they should react as well. I really don’t want that! Being mindful of keeping a joyful, peaceful heart that is confident in Christ, will teach my children to do the same.

And anxiety doesn’t only affect my relationship with my children but also my husband and many other relationships. When I’m anxious I’m more likely to be snippy, or jealous, or angry, or just burdensome. If we think our fears and anxiety only hurt ourselves, we’re wrong. It impacts others more than we know.

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” 1 John 4:18

Know That You’re Going To Make Mistakes

I think we all are subconsciously reaching for an ideal that we really somehow believe we’ll accomplish. I sometimes truly believe that if I just tweak this, add that, change this, at some point on this journey, I’ll be doing it right. I won’t snap, I won’t make the wrong decision, I won’t be lazy, I won’t overdo it. Eventually, I’ll find the perfect balance and all will be well and THEN I can stop all this anxiety nonsense.

Anyone else feel that way? Even if they haven’t said it out loud? Well, I’m gonna be the party pooper for all of us here and say that this is a dream that will never become reality. Will we grow? Yes! Will we learn? Yes! Will we have better days? Yes! Lord willing, we’ll be a better mother with each day that passes. But on this side of heaven, there will never be a day where you won’t make a mistake. Hopefully, you’ll start to make less, but you will always make mistakes.

So what do we do? Well, maybe instead of letting the fear of failure rule our hearts or instead of giving into anxiety when we make mistakes, let’s use it as an opportunity to show our children and those around us our own need for grace. How can we express to our children their need for grace in their own struggles if we seem so far separated from this ourselves? We need to humbly admit when we’re wrong, ask forgiveness, pray for strength to do better, and move on. Don’t let the moments of failure that are bound to come be multiplied by giving into anxiety. Thank God for His grace and embrace a new day!

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

Be Bold, Be Encouraged, Be Confident

If that last part discouraged you at all, let me now take this moment to offer you great encouragement, and the greatest encouragement that I could possibly offer in your battle against anxiety in motherhood. Always remember… You were made for this! A perfect, almighty God blessed you with little lives to nurture, influence and grow, and He did it on purpose. Never forget that. All you need do is trust Him. And if you do, in those moments that you feel completely inadequate, or tired, or worn, or fearful, please remember, that the One who is all powerful and all knowing, the One who loves you greatly gave you this work. And if you’ll simply seek Him, He will give you the strength, the wisdom and the ability to do it well.

Anxiety has no place in a mother who clings to this truth.

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6