2020 Has Wrecked Me: “But This I Call To Mind…”

I’ve have hardly ever felt so mentally and emotionally exhausted by a year of time… and not even a full year. It’s not over yet but January 2020 feels like a lifetime ago.

Do you remember those beautiful New Year posts ringing in what everyone thought would be a lovely, fresh start? We were ringing in a new decade! You could feel the excitement in the air for what would come in 2020 and beyond!

We all had high hopes and big dreams. We saw many things for our future but there were a few things we didn’t plan for, and those things made all the difference.

We didn’t plan for a pendamic.

We didn’t plan for death.

We didn’t plan for lockdowns.

We didn’t plan for face masks.

We didn’t plan for job loss.

We didn’t plan for sleepless nights.

We didn’t plan for high numbers of suicides.

We didn’t plan for a national economic decline.

We didn’t plan for involuntary homeschooling.

We didn’t plan for our children to feel isolated.

We didn’t plan for rises in domestic abuse.

We didn’t plan for riots.

We didn’t plan for destruction.

We didn’t plan for deception.

We didn’t plan for intrigue.

We didn’t plan for a rigged election.

We didn’t plan for guidelines on how to celebrate holidays.

We didn’t plan for mandates to keep you from loved ones.

[Sadly, I believe there are wicked men out there who did plan for at least some of this, but our just God sees all and that’s a discussion for another day.]

2020 took us all by surprise, and it continues to.

We simply couldn’t see any of this coming. But it came. And I’ve tried to remain upbeat. I’ve endeavored to find peace in chaos, joy in distress, and laughter rather than tears.

But I’ve hit some moments as this year has worn on where I just feel tired. Honest to goodness tired. Tired of having to think everything through so thoroughly. Tired of hearing no more than yes. Tired of the battle. Tired of having to discern between so much good and evil. Just tired.

Yet, it’s good to know I’m not alone. I’m sure some of you have felt this way as well.

But here’s the thing, history only repeats itself and we must only go to the most helpful of history books for a little encouragement.

Good gracious, where else can we go in such times? I feel like Peter when Christ asked if he and the other disciples would walk away as many had done when faced with difficulty: “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life…”

Here’s a word from Solomon, the wisest man, save Christ, ever to live. He was lamenting. Good to know it’s ok to lament. This year has sure called for it. In Lamentations 3 Solomon describes, in depth, the pain and suffering that God had allowed to come upon him. And he was worn, so very worn. He felt everything we probably feel like we shouldn’t feel…

He has made my flesh and my skin waste away;
    he has broken my bones;
he has besieged and enveloped me
    with bitterness and tribulation…

He has walled me about so that I cannot escape;
    he has made my chains heavy;
though I call and cry for help,
    he shuts out my prayer; …my soul is bereft of peace;
    I have forgotten what happiness is;
so I say, “My endurance has perished;
    so has my hope from the Lord.”

Don’t just gloss over this. Read it again and take in how raw and real Solomon was. He was the wisest man ever to live, and he struggled against some of the most depressed and despairing feelings we can imagine.

Be Real, Be Raw, Be Honest

Have you felt trapped this year? Unable to escape the fallout? Have had those moments in the midst of the crazy where your prayers have felt unanswered? Have you felt your hope in the Lord waning?

I don’t know about you, but I feel guilty to even utter such prayers. When those thoughts cross my mind, I push them away… as if God doesn’t already know every thought I think before I think it.

Maybe we should take a lesson from a wise man here… be real before God. He knows your thoughts. Solomon may well have learned this from his dad. David cried to the Lord in Psalm 139:

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

Stop acting like God doesn’t see you, doesn’t know you, doesn’t understand every single thing you are thinking and feeling. You can’t hide it. Lay it all out before him. We must never curse the Lord, we must always show respect and fear due to the God of the universe… but take a cue from the men who knew him well and received his love, his favor and his wisdom. Just be honest. Bare your heart before the Lord, for He already sees it.

Bare Your Heart… Don’t Listen To It

Now, you might be thinking: “Wait, say what? Don’t listen to my heart?”

Thats right. It’s only the world that tells you that your heart will lead you well. For,

The heart is deceitful above all things,
    and desperately sick;
    who can understand it?

We have Jeremiah 17:9 for a reason and must never forget it.

Our heart is so easily led astray. Yes, be honest and real before the Lord about your feelings, but if your feelings are wrong or misled, you absolutely cannot stay there.

That is when we begin to create sinful habits and patterns, and we lose hope altogether.

Solomon goes on to say this:

BUT THIS I CALL TO MIND,
    and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

Solomon laid his heart before the Lord, but then, rather than listening to his heart… he spoke to his heart. He called truth to his heart and mind.

The truth that God loves steadfastly and unceasingly.

That truth that His mercies are new every day.

The truth that He is always faithful.

Dr. Martyn Lloyd Jones, a minister and theologian, had this to say on the topic:

“Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?… You must take yourself in hand, you have to address yourself, you have to preach to yourself, question yourself… Then you must go on to remind yourself of God, who God is, and what God is and what God has done and what God has pledged Himself to do.”

We must be honest with the Lord, but then, just like Solomon, we absolutely MUST speak truth to ourselves. We must call it to mind. We must remember who it is we are laying our requests, our hurt, our pain, our greatest struggles before. For He is our only hope and He will not fail.

End Your Prayer In Hope

If you are feeling worn down, frustrated or wronged, I encourage you to read Lamentations 3 in its entirety. Solomon goes back and forth between hope and despair all throughout the chapter. But here is where he lands, and in the tumult of 2020, here is where we all must land… trusting that God hears, that he sees, that he heals and redeems.

I called on your name, O Lord,
    from the depths of the pit;
you heard my plea, ‘Do not close
    your ear to my cry for help!’
You came near when I called on you;
    you said, ‘Do not fear!’

“You have taken up my cause, O Lord;
    you have redeemed my life…”

I’m sure 2020 has you at least as tired and worn as it has me, if not more. I know some of you have had a rougher year than I can imagine. Of myself, I cannot even begin to speak to some of the pain, hardship, and loss that some of you have felt in this very long year.

Dear friend, if you find yourself worn down, exhausted, and at a loss for words. I encourage you to pray the prayer of Solomon. He knew where to go with his questions and his pain. Don’t turn from God’s life giving word because you’ve “been there and read that”. His word is relevant to your every circumstance because he saw each one when he gave it to us and it is truly the only words of unfailing hope to be found.

Sweet friend, go to the only One who already knows your heart… simply trust him enough to lay it before him. Go to the One who is unchanging in tumultuous times, the One who steadfast in love in a world where affections are momentary, the One who offers healing to a sick and dying people, and hope to a world despairing of life itself.

In Job 5:18, a man spoke this comforting truth, a man who suffered more than many of us could ever imagine:

“For he wounds, but he binds up;
   he shatters, but his hands heal.”

2020 might be wrecking you, but if you’ll take your hope in the eternal God, He will see your pain, hear your cries, work it all for good, and put you back together again.

Therefore… we have hope.