MN to NC: My “Self-Care” Dilemma

Y’all, it’s been a long three months.

Let me shoot straight with you for a moment. I’m tired. I’m really, really tired. Right now I feel defined by fatigue, exhaustion, impatience and irritability. I’m easily angered, I’m lacking gumption, and I’m tired of making decisions. I’m sick of packing, unpacking, packing, waiting, getting excited, getting disappointed, waiting, getting excited and then waiting some more.

The Problem

I’m grumpy and frustrated.

If my husband breathes the wrong way… I shoot laser beams at him with my eyeballs.

I get so impatient with my boys for acting like… well… boys!!!

I feel constantly needed yet I’m often struggling to find the energy or desire to meet those needs.

Basically, all I want to do is nap.

The stress and tension are building and I can tell I’m in straight up survival mode.

I want to hide away from life till it decides to settle back down.

I keep trying to figure out why I feel so off.

The Reason

Well…

Some of it’s a sin issue (not the being tired part but the whole, “I’m angry at the world” and the “I want to hide from my problems” part). We are always responsible for how we react to the craziness in life. But I’m also a firm believer that I need to look into my life and see what might be contributing to my sin struggle so I can take purposeful steps to overcome it.

A few contributing factors have come to mind, things only I can change:

#1: I haven’t exactly been eating the best. (Ice cream and salty snacks are so tempting when I’m stressed!) #2:I haven’t been exercising. (I keep blaming that on my lack of energy which is of course, totally improved by further laziness… right?) 3: I haven’t been getting up before the boys (Believe it or not, I feel less tired when I get up and going early rather than sleeping in). #4: I haven’t been diligent in purposeful prayer time and my time in the Word has been hurried and brief. (And me doing any of the above will rest on those last two.)

All of this tends to make me a grumpy, frumpy, slumpy mama.

It’s kind of become an ugly, revolving door that just won’t quit.

(Oh, and let’s not talk or even think about the fact that some of the fatigue could be residual from my bout with COVID at the start of all this… I’ve been charging ahead ever since I got sick and am just now wondering if that’s been part of the heavy, sluggish feeling that’s been weighing on me. But seeing as I can’t do much about that, I’m hoping that’s not the case.)

So why is the struggle so ongoing?

First, I tend to feel kind of vindicated in my lack of routine or discipline because it’s not my fault that life is crazy and I can’t expect myself to take the time to focus on those things right now. (Can I???)

And the second reason is probably because I tend to shy away from the term “self care” simply because I’ve seen it (way too many times) used and abused as an excuse to avoid personal sacrifice and it just doesn’t sit well with me.

Now, in answer to my first excuse… While I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, I might very well be making things harder for myself by my own neglect. Some kind of routine and continual healthy habits are likely to calm the crazy rather than add to it.

And, as to my second excuse… well, as with many things, I believe there is a balance to be had (I have to remind myself of that in so many situations).

We have to tread carefully on this one. A friend of mine said she once heard someone say: Be sure that your “self-care” is actually taking care of yourself and not just indulging your desires.”

Self-care can certainly become an idol or an excuse for selfishness. It can give a person a feeling of ungodly entitlement and make one put their own needs or wants above those of others at all cost. Obviously, that’s an issue.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-4)

If you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. (Isaiah 58:10)

But on the flip side, taking care of ourselves is a God honoring, people serving thing to do: if we neglect ourselves entirely, this can also lead to the detriment of others and a lack of zeal in our lives lived out for a kingdom purpose. If we are ignoring the needs of our own bodies, we lack the mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical energy and health which are helpful in serving those around us and living full, Christ honoring, joyful lives. And more importantly, our bodies are temples and we are to glorify God in how we treat them.

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

The Resolution

Up till now, I’ve been only half-heartedly seeking to remedy this issue.

See, I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking these problems might resolve themselves. Or I could at least wait till we get settled before making any real changes.

But like it or love it, I really think the phrase generally holds true:

“When mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

So when I woke up on Fathers Day, once again, grumpy, angry, feeling terrible… I decided that waiting around to feel better just wasn’t going to cut it.

I need to take some purposeful steps in taking care of me… so I can take more joy in my own life, be more of a blessing in the lives of those around me, and glorify God in my outlook and attitude.

So, I’m trying to keep it simple to start so I don’t get overwhelmed.

Step #1: Get up well BEFORE the boys. (I know that’s crazy, but I’ve always been a morning person. That’s my most productive time!)

Step #2: Spend that time doing Bible Study, prayer, and 30 minutes of exercise (I feel like a whole different human when those are DONE before the boys are up.)

Step #3: Do a 10 day “gallon of water a day” cleanse to see if that will help detox the nasty out of me. (I’m excited to see what effect this has and I’m doing this and the workout with my sister-in-law. I think it will be neat to have an encouragement and be an encouragement! As I said, accountability is so key!)

Step #4: Cut back on sugar. (I know there’s a million things I could do, but I feel that’s one of the first and best small steps to take. Nobody panic: Ice cream will never fully or completely be cut out of my life. It is one of my greatest joys in life… like for real.)

Wrapping Up

Anywho, I’m not totally sure what the point is in sharing this except that when a person journals, they journal the small moments as well as the big ones. I just figured sharing the down times as well as the up times might encourage other worn and stressed friends in their journey.

I don’t have some big moral to the story. I know this life is messy and we’re messy in it, and there are no perfect answers or routines, we simply do the best we can with what we have and strive to honor God in all we do. So whatever “self-care” looks like for you, whether you already have a great routine or maybe you need to start one… if your motivation is to enjoy the life God has given you, be a blessing others, and glorify your Creator, stay strong dear friends, and carry on!

And pray that I will too!

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31)

I’ll let y’all know next week after a few early alarms and gallons of water whether or not I feel like a million bucks! Here we go!