Our Story: The “Flirt And Fly”

PART 3

So, I believe I left you guys hanging as my dad was headed out to beat up Derek.

Ok, I’m kidding. The whole thing was actually super low key.

Anyone who knows my dad knows he’s about the nicest person you could hope to meet. And although I know some part of him wanted to head out the door and across the yard cleaning his shot gun, just to mess with Derek… he didn’t.

I peaked out the RV window as they talked. They seemed to be having a very calm, rational conversation. No one would have known. But I knew. I knew what they were discussing. A guy had never asked my dad if he could date me. It was a special feeling, but kind of strange, too.

The conversation didn’t last all that long and eventually dad came back inside.

“How’d it go?” I asked.

“It went fine.” He replied. I don’t remember him giving me much more to go on.

I slipped outside to talk to Derek but he was already talking with his sister and another friend. I was really curious to know how things went, but obviously didn’t feel like discussing it with our friends. Eventually everyone dispersed and I remember looking at him, in a kind of shy manner, without saying much, but I think he knew I was curious.

“Well…” he said, with a small grin. “Your dad said it was ok for me to get to know you better. And I don’t want to take anything too fast. I don’t think this is anything official. We can just take some time to purposefully get to know each other. So, maybe we can just have dinner or go to a movie sometime or something.”

“Yeah, that would be nice.” I don’t think I said much of anything else.

The next evening Derek asked me to go for a walk. He wanted to fill me in a little bit more about his past and where he’d come from and what his intentions were, just to be sure how I felt about it.

At the end of the conversation, he looked at me and said, “I’m going to be really honest with you. I haven’t dated anyone in six years. I decided back then that I was through with pointless relationships and I wasn’t going to date anyone else until it was a woman I truly thought I could marry. I’m not trying to jump ahead or freak you out. I just want you to know from the start that I wouldn’t be asking to know you better if I didn’t believe that you possess the attributes of a woman I could marry one day.”

Ok, I wasn’t ready for that. This wasn’t something I was accustomed to hearing and it kind of scared me to death.

Let me explain why.

First let me say, I had absolutely no idea what an emotional mess I was at that moment. I’d made my way through high school and church youth group “kissing dating goodbye” with gusto. (I’m sure most of y’all have at least heard of that Joshua Harris book.) Everyone in my youth group knew, “Bethany doesn’t date.” And I’m not saying that was a bad choice, but because of it, I thought I was somehow in such a better place than my friends who were dating. (What? I told you I was majorly self-righteous). I proudly wore that purity ring and boldly proclaimed that I wouldn’t kiss anyone till we said “I do.” (Go big or go home, right??? I couldn’t go around kissing other girl’s future husbands!) Well, I guess I thought my desire for physical purity meant I was immune to any emotional attachments or tendencies to be a flirt. I was a bucket of ice water ready to dump on any guy who came near right? Well… no, not really. What I couldn’t see was that I actually felt really comfortable to flirt with the guys… probably all the guys… because I’d made myself technically “off-limits”.

So, without even knowing it, I was the youth group flirt, and then headed off into college, where no one knew my “I don’t date” reputation, with the same ignorant, flirtatious demeanor. I somehow thought every guy would just know not to ask me out. I was so not into the dating thing… wasn’t it obvious???

Well, let’s just say, I screwed up big time. I didn’t realize that I was using “purity” to cloak my emotionally unstable heart and actions.

See, shortly into my freshman year of college, I was in a for a big surprise. My brother and I started sharing rides with my crush from high school and before long I found out my crush returned the sentiment. But see, we agreed we needed to focus on our relationship with God and not a relationship with each other, so we shouldn’t date… and then we proceeded to hang out constantly and still became majorly emotionally attached. We were young, we were dumb, and when it ultimately didn’t work out, I was devastated. Like, it was really bad.

Still, rather than learning from the situation and choosing to be more discerning in protecting my own heart and the hearts of the guys in my circle… I began seeking the attention of any young man around me, but would simply slam the door shut on them before anything became “official”. I would return their interest until they looked for an actual relationship, then I’d pull the “God card” (ya know, tell them God was leading me another direction), and then slip away before there was any possibility of getting hurt again. I thought I was guarding my broken heart, but I was really just letting it fester. This happened over and over and it took me a long time to see my own pattern.

I’m telling you all this, not because I’m proud of it, but because it’s important to see where I was when Derek and I met. I was ignorant to the detrimental wall around my heart at the time, and up until I met Derek, this “flirt and fly” thing had become my habit. I wanted the attention, but I didn’t want the commitment. And sadly, because I never technically dated anyone, I still thought I was doing this “purity” thing super well. I literally couldn’t see what a terrible mess I was.

And now here was this honest, Godly young man, expressing his earnest and serious desire to only pursue a relationship that could have the strong possibility of leading to marriage. He wasn’t just looking for someone to be obsessed with briefly before moving onto the next girl. This guy was serious.

It was sobering for me. A little unnerving. But attractive as well.

Plus, there was something about Derek that was different than most of the other guys I’d known. Believe it or not, it wasn’t his love for the Lord. Don’t get me wrong, he was a strong believer, but honestly, I’d known lots of guys in my adolescent/young adult years that loved Jesus. My bigger problem was finding a guy who loved the Lord but also… well… loved life. Maybe it was just that Derek had lived a few years and was more mature than some of the young men I’d known, but many of them had seemed to struggle with taking life too seriously. The guys who seemed really serious about their faith also seemed a bit… I don’t know… uptight? What I liked so much about Derek was that Christ was first in his life, but he was so laid back. He loved to live and laugh and have a really good time. He made me laugh. He had a smile that could brighten anyone’s day.

Anywho, although I was freaking out a little, and though he seemed more a friend than a love interest at the time, I knew some of the best marriages had come from friendships first, and I decided to go ahead with it. At least for now. Time would tell, wouldn’t it?

So, we decided to pursue this and see where it led. And now it was time to line up a first date. So, what would that look like?

Well, let’s just say, it wasn’t what one would expect. It wasn’t what I ever pictured in my mind.

Tell me, is it super uncommon or maybe just a total homeschooler move… for your first date to be a double date… with your parents?

Asking for a friend.

(More next week!)