Our Story: Going Our Separate Ways

PART 6

I remember being shocked that Derek had actually said it.

But I also remember feeling such intense relief.

I looked up at Derek and proceeded to agree that, while I enjoyed his friendship and respected him as well, I simply could not see him as my future husband.

We talked through the desire to not allow awkwardness to ruin a good friendship and that we both held no hard feelings.

I remember the sadness in his eyes. And Derek later told me that nothing had ever changed in his heart about his feelings toward me… but he’d asked God to give him a peace if this wasn’t meant to be, and God granted him that at the time. He says it was hard for him, but he’s the kind of guy that takes life as it is and moves on, whether or not it was what he’d wanted. I respect that.

Rebuilding A Friendship

So then came the healthy but ever awkward phase of trying to figure out how to go back to what we’d been before. Problem was, Derek and I had spent so little time as only friends that it was kind of a foreign thing not to be “together”.

Regardless, we carried on cordially through church events and gatherings with mutual friends.

And I love my mom so much. She made a point of approaching Derek at church one day to let him know that while they supported our decision, she and my dad still loved him and believed whoever he would eventually marry would be truly blessed to have him.

But… truth be told… my “jerkiness” had not really subsided. I really just saw myself as freed from pressure rather than realizing any need to grow from this.

Yet, all hope was not lost. It was during this time that something happened that began to jolt me from my false sense of vindication. It was small but painfully needed and quite significant.

Every Friday night during the summer, our little town would host “Burgers In The Park”, which is exactly as it sounds and was hosted by our local Lions Club. (Very quaint and definitely like something out of a Hallmark Movie.)

Anyway, for some reason I can’t recall, I had to leave the picnic early. I picked up my keys (I was finally driving again!), and turned to say goodbye to my parents and everyone at our table. Derek had been sitting across from me, and as I got up, he made some very innocent joke in my direction. I can’t remember what it was, I just remember that it was nothing mean-hearted or inappropriate. But of course, my insecure self couldn’t stand for someone else getting the last laugh, and I knew everyone was probably watching us, knowing our history.

So, rather than enjoy a good-natured laugh at Derek’s harmless, well-intentioned jesting… I drew my arm back and threw my keys at him. Hard.

And, do you know, I actually thought it would be funny. Derek laughed a little… but the look on his face was one of shock. I don’t think anyone else knew what to think.

I left shortly after and put the incident out of my mind. Because, as you can clearly see, I wasn’t very good at seeing my own faults.

But my ignorance was quickly squelched when my dad came home that evening. I was in my room and he called me to the kitchen. Now, as a 19 year old, my parents didn’t often reprimand me. They tried to respect my independence. But there was a limit. And I had hit that limit.

My dad looked incredibly disappointed. Something I’ve hardly seen in my entire life.

“How could you do that?” He asked me. “How could you treat Derek that way in front of everyone?”

“Well, he started it!” Such a great way to respond. “And I was just playing!” I insisted.

“No,” My dad’s look was one of intensity. “What he said to you was harmless. The way you responded was immature and not at all funny. It was mean. It was embarrassing for him. Did you see the look on his face?”

Guys, you need to understand that my dad is a man of few words when it comes to putting me in my place. He’s hardly ever done it… his usual way is one of gentle guidance.

Long story short, if I make my dad angry… I can be pretty sure I’ve messed up big.

I’d disappointed my dad, and it’s one of the few things in the world that could have begun to wake me up to where I was.

And it did.

Moving On

Now, amidst all of this, my back pain and swollen joints were growing worse. As a last ditch effort, for several months, we’d been driving across the state every few weeks for me to be treated by a particular chiropractor, but the distance was simply too much.

Now, to give you a timeline. I’d moved to ND July of 2011. I met Derek in August, we started dating in September and we broke up in April of 2012. One morning in May, my parents let me know that they had decided that we would be moving. I needed more medical care than what rural North Dakota could offer and they were going to do whatever was necessary to be sure I had it. (I can’t express how blessed I was to have parents that carried on the full responsibility of my medical care, even though they didn’t technically have to.)

We decided to go spend the summer in Michigan with my Aunt and Uncle and 10 cousins (they were beyond kind to host us for those three months). There was a chiropractor there we hoped could help me, and it would give my dad a bit of a sabbatical before finding a permanent job and place to live.

We planned to leave on June 9th. My 20th birthday was June 8th. So, my brother and a group of friends, including Derek, threw a birthday party for me that evening. It was a wonderful send off.

Everyone gave me a gift, including Derek. Now one would think that perhaps he would have just given me a card and a small something. We were just friends now and there was no call to do anything fancy.

But see, little did I know, Derek, who was an experienced carpenter, had begun building a framed mirror for me before we broke up. Not a small thing. No, a large, gorgeous, oak framed mirror. Now, some guys would have given up on it when we parted ways. Some guys would have finished it, but sold it, or given it to someone else.

But not Derek.

I remember being so surprised as he walked across the room to hand me my gift. Why had he still done it? Believe me, there was no “up in the air” relationship here. We were friends and that was all. His gift spoke volumes of his kind heart even after all the pain I had caused him.

A Rough Summer

And so my parents and I headed to Michigan and spent the summer visiting with family, playing lots of soccer (the advantage of having 10 cousins), going to one chiropractic appointment after another, and spending many sunny afternoons on the beaches of Lake Michigan. Now when I say it was a “rough summer”, that might seem sarcastic. And in some ways it is. But in other ways it really was rough.

Outside of all those other lovely things, I was spending much of my time in bed. The soccer games ended as soon as my treatments began and to keep my spine in place, I was often laying down whenever I was home. This caused me to gain further weight and my joints and muscles to stiffen and grow tense. Physically, I was a mess.

Emotionally and spiritually I wasn’t much better. God used that summer greatly to solidify in my heart and mind exactly where I was and my desperate need for repentance and change.

My cousin’s were super fun and I loved getting to know them better. We made so many great memories together. But as with any situation where you live with people 24/7, I would have my moments where I would be frustrated or annoyed. Problem was, I wasn’t always the best at how I handled those feelings. I continued to lash out or allow my sarcasm to go way too far when I was uncomfortable or bothered by something.

I mentioned my dad’s part in assisting to break down the selfish, detrimental wall I’d built as a faulty route of protection. My mom had a hand in this as well. She watched me and my growing bitterness towards everyone around me as the summer went on. I was snippy to her, to my dad, to my cousins, and had, for some reason, grown very defensive and bothered if anyone brought Derek into the conversation. He and I were so done, we were never meant to be, and I was moving on. I was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off if someone crossed me, annoyed me or simply disagreed with me.

I remember wading out into the waters of Lake Michigan with my mom, and I don’t know how the conversation got there… I had probably expressed once again the terrible faults of some poor soul in my life. Well, my mom looked at me and said something I’ll never forget:

“Bethany, I love you, but at some point, you need to grow up.”

I know, I know, that might sound harsh. But I needed to hear it. I was at the point of needing some tough love. Her point was that rather than taking responsibility for my own feelings and actions, I was constantly trying to blame all my problems on anyone and everyone around me. I didn’t see anything as my own fault. I wanted everything handed to me on a silver platter rather than being willing to go through pain or hardship to get it. I called myself an adult and yet I was acting like the immature teenager I was sure I’d left behind soooooo long ago.

Of course, part of me thought she was crazy at the time and kind of heartless for telling me so.

But my mother was absolutely right…

And the other part of me knew it.

Shortly after this, my dad got a job in St. Cloud, MN. The medical care I needed was there and he would be able to work for a company he’d been with back in Mississippi. It was a perfect set up.

We pulled into St. Cloud in the beginning of October 2012. We stayed at a local hotel for the first week or two while we found an apartment.

A few days in, my Mom and Dad took a trip back to North Dakota to pick up the rest of our things. I remained behind for multiple reasons. I was in too much pain to get back in the car for another road trip… and I wasn’t honestly sure that I wanted to go back.

I was starting over. I was moving on. I wanted to begin afresh and see where this new life led.

But then…

I remember my parents and I went for a swim in the hotel pool the evening they got back. They were filling me in on how everyone was doing. Then my mom looked at me, and without any malice or ill intention said:

“Oh, I thought you might be interested to know… I was chatting with Derek and he mentioned that he’s been “talking” with a young woman from his local book club.”

Honest to goodness, my mother thought I would be happy for him.

But for some reason I couldn’t have expressed then… I was livid.