Our Story: Beautifully Broken

PART 7

My mom stood over my bed as I lay there moping. I still couldn’t believe Derek was talking to someone else!

“Why are you so upset about this?”

“I’m not upset! I’m just… it’s so soon!”

Mom laughed a little.

“Bethany, the man is 28 years old, I’m pretty sure he’d like to get married before too long. And it’s been six months since you broke up, it’s not as though he jumped into a new relationship two days later. I wouldn’t exactly call this a rebound.”

I knew she had a point. Derek was simply moving on. And so was I. I would never see him as more than a friend. So why was this bothering me so badly?

Still, I was so ticked at him over the news that I texted him once, just to cold shoulder him. It went something like this:

Me: “Hey, was that John Piper book you gave me meant to be a gift or was it on loan?”

Derek: “Oh yeah, that was a gift. It’s all yours.”

Me: K, thanks.

Derek: So, how have you all been?

Me: We’re fine. I’m sure you’re probably busy working or something. Bye.

I basically ended the conversation there. I didn’t care a lick about that book… I just needed him to know I was mad. Mission accomplished. With real class.

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

It was around this time that we had moved into a little third floor apartment in a small town outside of St. Cloud. As we were unloading the moving van, my dad came across the mirror Derek had made for me.

“Hey Punkin, where do you want your mirror?”

I glanced at it and felt my hurt and frustration all over again.

“I don’t care, you can just toss it.”

My dad looked surprised. “You want me to what?”

Suddenly another voice chimed in. My dear mother to the rescue again. “Bethany, you are not throwing that mirror away. That is a beautiful work of art. If you don’t want it, I’ll keep it. It’s not going in the garbage.”

My mom later told me that she knew I’d regret that decision no matter how things turned out and was trying to save me from myself. So, thank God and my mom, the mirror escaped the dumpster that fateful day.

The Start Of Something Good

Now, I know I’ve painted a rather unpleasant picture of myself in the last few pieces of this story, but I had a purpose in that. And I know you’re probably like, “Get to the good stuff already! How does it all end????”

But the thing is, you can’t see healing… until you see brokenness. Nothing good could come till that happened.

When we moved to St. Cloud, almost immediately, the Lord began a work in me that I can’t take credit for in the least. Shortly after moving into our apartment, my parents left once again to head over to South Dakota to visit with my brother (he’d recently relocated there). Again, I remained behind, unable to travel far. And I’m glad I did.

You see, the conversations I’d had with my parents throughout the summer and the conviction of the Spirit over my bitter heart and actions had begun to weigh pretty heavily.

It was a Saturday morning, the day after my parents had left for SD. I was alone in our apartment having my prayer time. All of a sudden the devastation of those previous years of physical pain, spiritual malaise, unwise decisions and the emotional toll it had all taken came crashing in on me.

Finally, I was just plain honest about the pain, frustration, and questions that had been building up in my exhausted and bitter heart. I didn’t understand why God had allowed my loss of mobility, the loss of things I loved, the loss of relationships, the loss of a grasp on who in the world I was.

But one thing became painfully clear in those honest moments before the Lord…

I just couldn’t fight anymore.

I couldn’t keep running from all of this… from my pain, my insecurities… my many mistakes. This was a fight I simply couldn’t win, and all I was doing was injuring myself and those around me.

God didn’t need my permission to do his will, but I suddenly realized I would be much more blessed by his will if I let go of mine.

He opened my eyes to my need to get out of my own head… to see the needs of those around me… to love him and obey him.

Even if the pain never went away.

Even if I was never able to feel fit and healthy again.

Even if my life never turned out as I’d hoped or planned or dreamed.

All I could see in those moments was my need for God to take my bitterness and discontent and replace it with a gentler spirit and a stronger faith… even if nothing made sense at the moment.

And friends, our God is faithful to answer the prayers of his children. And though it doesn’t always work this way, he actually answered quite quickly.

My physical pain remained, but I felt a change in my perception of my own life, confidence and responsibility. Spiritually and emotionally, there was relief.

God laid it on my heart that I had a beautiful opportunity here. I had just moved to a new state, a new town, a new church, with the opportunity to build new relationships. Here no one knew me or who I’d ever been. I had the chance to start over, and I knew if I blew that chance, it would be all on me.

He Knew What I Needed

I believe (though the timing is foggy), that it was the night before all this that God had already begun to open my eyes to his work on my heart. I had e-mailed the youth minister at our new church about opportunities for college age students and I decided to attend a college night I’d heard about. It was a big step for me to go alone, but there I went.

It was exactly what a fun college night should be. Pizza, pop, ping pong, pool, ice breaker games, and lots of new people my age to meet. But by about halfway through the evening I was struck by a strange feeling. As I looked around the room complete with dim lighting, fun posters and blasting music, I felt like I’d stepped back into youth group, and for the first time in my life… it just didn’t appeal to me. It was all good fun, and there wasn’t a single thing wrong with it, but some part of me knew this simply wasn’t what I needed at this particular season of my life. This wouldn’t push me toward maturity, rather it felt like a step backward. I needed change. I needed to grow. I needed something different… something more than this.

But what?

Well, I didn’t have to wait long for the answer. Fast forward through Saturday (and that much needed time of prayer) and onto Sunday morning. With my parents out of town, I would be attending our new church alone. I’ve never been much of a back row Baptist, so I meandered in a few minutes early and made my way to a row towards the front. I sat down and waited for the service to begin.

Suddenly, a friendly young woman came and sat down beside me. I glanced over at her. I’d never met her and was pleasantly surprised that she hadn’t sat a few seats away.

“Hi!” She smiled brightly.

I said hello in return, completely unprepared for what she would say next.

“I know this is weird, but um… is your name Bethany?”

Wait, what? How did she know that?

“Yes it is, actually!” I laughed a little.

“Oh, great!” The young woman smiled again. “My name’s Mandy! Our youth minister sent me your email about you looking for opportunities here at the church and I just hadn’t had a chance to get back with you!”

What a coincidence…right?

(See, if you think it makes sense for her to have made that connection, let me include the detail that this church was a congregation of about 600 people. To this day she still says she can’t believe she took a chance in asking me that when I could have been just about anyone. So this was a bit of a “lucky guess”… though I’d call it providence.)

Anyway, we chatted until service started and when it was over I followed her out, prepared to wave a quick goodbye and head home.

Mandy caught me before I could leave. “Ok, so I hope this won’t sound like creepy or anything… and feel totally free to say no… but I have a Bible study on Thursday nights and a few of the ladies who attend are coming over to my place for lunch today. Would you like to join us?”

“Oh,” I was taken aback, but intrigued. “Ummm… sure, I think I will!”

Guys, this was a big step. I could feel God granting me the confidence to step out on my own in ways I never would have before. Somehow, I was willing to take a chance… even to allow myself to be (heaven forbid)… vulnerable.

When I got to Mandy’s house, there were about five other women there and I was quickly caught up into their conversation. This was no clique. Not by a long shot. They asked me all sorts of questions about myself and where I’d come from. At first I felt a little odd because I quickly discovered they were all five and ten years older than I was. That means little to me now, but back then I felt like such a child in comparison with these women. But what I would soon find that this was exactly what I needed.

These women had lived a few more years than I had, they’d long ago stepped over that line into adulthood and had started lives and careers of their own. In this phase of my life, I didn’t need pizza parties and ping pong. God new I needed women a step ahead of me to glean from, to study the word with, and just do life together.

But the biggest connection I made that day was Mandy. Not only had she been the first to reach out, but imagine my surprise when she told me that she had been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis about three months before. She went on to tell me that she was dealing with, not only the shock of it, but also the struggle of trying to get her daily pain under control. I was floored. I had not expected to make a friend so quickly who could understand debilitating pain… much less something much more dangerous than my own problems. But I didn’t see bitterness and frustration as she told her story… I saw hope and faith that overpowered her fear and confusion. I needed so badly to see that.

The point of all this is that over just a few short months of God convicting my heart of the need to grow and using these women greatly in my life, some real changes began to take place:

~ Mandy and I met weekly to encourage each other and work through our pain struggles and it caused me to empathize rather than continue in my pity party. (We always referred to one another a “Partner in Pain”… and it was such a blessing.)

~ I made another friend in this group of women, Michelle, who helped me grow in many ways. She was really just a ton of fun and a great encouragement to me. But she was also very honest and actually helped me see some mistakes I’d made in my past that I didn’t even realize until someone lovingly pointed them out.

~ I began volunteering at our nearby hospital and it opened doors of opportunity to reach out and get my mind off my own suffering.

~ I joined a mission team on a reservation in Canada and was reminded that there are many people out there with less opportunity and much different experiences than my own. It pulled me from the little world I’d been so content in.

My gracious Father was helping to me to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. He was teaching me that I could be bold, and confident, and kind and effective if I found my worth in Him. He was teaching me grace and breaking down that self-righteous wall I’d built, and he did it with such kindness.

And it’s a good thing.

God was preparing my heart for what he knew was coming sooner than I knew…

A greater blessing and a bigger adventure than I ever could have hoped for.

(Hold onto your hats, y’all… it’s about to get good.)