Let’s Talk About “Toxic Masculinity”

“Where have all the good men gone?”

Ever sung the song or asked the question?

Women are all the rage now (even if no one can define exactly what that is) and the obvious goal is to force men into the background in an effort to convince the world how unnecessary they are.

And if any man dares to stand up or stand out in any way, he is accused of the heinous crime of “toxic masculinity”.

What Exactly Is “Toxic Masculinity”?

It sounds like something pretty horrible, doesn’t it? We hear the term a lot… but what does it mean?

Well, to avoid building a straw man argument here, let me share exactly how Dictionary.com defines Toxic Masculinity:

A cultural concept of manliness that glorifies stoicism, strength, virility, and dominance…

Now there are a few big words there that I needed to look up. So, let’s take a moment here and define these terms so we can more thoroughly understand the accusations.

The Definition of Toxic

“Poisonous… very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way.”

Ok, so it’s important to note that masculinity is here defined not just as distasteful, but as dangerous and destructive.

So what masculine traits are considered so harmful and alarming?

1. Stoicism

“The endurance of pain or hardship without the display of feelings and without complaint.“

Now, obviously, men should be allowed emotion and they should be encouraged to talk about those emotions.

Still, it’s important to understand something… courage and wisdom are not found in a lack of feeling, but in knowing when and how to control and express it.

If you really think about it, a man with no stoicism or self-control makes for:

A soldier who runs from the battle, giving into the fear he feels in that moment.

A first responder who weeps and panics over horror and tragedy on the scene rather than waiting until they’ve done their job to process it.

A provider who complains to his family every day about how hard he has to work.

An employee who whines about everything at work that doesn’t go his way.

A father who flees an intruder rather than facing him head on and working through the fear when his family is safe.

I recall a time when we thought someone was trying to break into our basement and I was beyond grateful that my husband was the one who grabbed the baseball bat (actually I think it was a hammer) and went to investigate without any outward fear or word of complaint.

The list goes on. A man who cannot control his emotions or his tongue when it matters most is of no real use to anyone. They can feel deeply and yet apply wisdom to how to handle and express those emotions.

Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled. Titus 2:6

Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation… Philippians 2:14-15

2. Strength

“The capacity of an object or substance to withstand great force or pressure.”

A friend of mine recently said, “Man, I’m so tired of all these copy cat female super heroes. Look, if I’m in trouble, I don’t want some girl swinging in to save me, ok?”

I’m not speaking to women’s strengths here… I’m simply saying that we all appreciate strong men. If we say we don’t, we’re either lying or miserable.

Do you think I’m wrong?

Consider this. The moment we tell men they shouldn’t be strong is the moment we have men who give into pressure of every kind, rather than withstanding it.

For example:

Weak men give into the pressure to remain boys. It takes strength to grow to manhood, to be a hard worker, to use their time wisely, to pursue a wife, to raise children with her.

Weak men give into the pressure to be lazy. It takes incredible strength to get up and work hard day after day, year after year to provide for a family.

Weak men give into the pressure to be unfaithful to their wives. It takes strength to stand against sexual temptation that’s so readily available at every turn.

Weak men give into the pressure to be lousy fathers. It takes strength to not only provide but to teach boys to be men and set an example for their daughters of what a man ought to be.

Weak men give into the pressure to be abusive. It takes great strength to patient, gentle, and wise. Impatience, a harsh spirit and foolishness come naturally.

I could go on and on. All the good men disappear when they choose to forsake the God given gift that is strength.

Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.

1 Corinthians 16:13

3. Virility

The quality of having strength, energy, and a strong sex drive; manliness.

Ok, it’s going to get weird for a second here, but I really think we should talk about the sex drive part of this.

Encouraging a sex drive in men is not condoning heinous acts and assaults against women. It seems the world sees a man’s sex drive as only being good for making him into a pig, a pimp, or an abuser.

The truth is that this is just sin tainting and twisting something beautiful.

Do we realize the great need in men having sexual desire?

Men with no sex drive leaves us with:

Men who don’t pursue women. (We’d be fooling ourselves if we think sex drive isn’t at least some part of a man’s motivation in marriage.)

Unsatisfied marriages (no matter who lacks the drive, it takes two to tango.)

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:5

One of God’s greatest gifts ignored.

Let your fountain be blessed,
    and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
    be intoxicated always in her love.

Proverbs 5:18-19

Oh… and no children.

And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it… Genesis 1:28

Sex drive is vitally important and we’re stealing something precious, purposeful and God given when we strive to do away with it.

4. Dominance

Control; authority; rule; supreme influence.

Oh. Here’s a fun one.

A man who possesses authority and influence?

There is simply no way to touch on this one without majorly ticking some people off. The fact of the matter is that as soon as sin entered the world, so did the curse of mankind.

To the woman he said, “…Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” Genesis 3:16

Women have been fighting men carrying any role of authority since day one. I certainly have my moments with this as well.

But just as with the sex drive issue, the most common reason given for taking authority from men is that they sometimes apply that position in a way that uses, abuses and manipulates those around them.

(Isn’t it funny that we don’t take roles away from women when they mess up, but men don’t receive the same grace?)

So, anyway, when the Bible calls men to be leaders, it doesn’t sit well.

Yet, if we take a closer look, we’ll see that the Bible calls men to a particular mindset and heart condition as they take on that role of authority.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered... 1 Peter 3:7

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word… Ephesians 5:22-26

A man who abuses his authority is no man at all. A man who manipulates and carelessly or purposefully causes pain is nothing more than a child who will do anything and hurt anyone in order to get his way.

A good man will lead well. And a good man will love sacrificially and walk humbly in his leading.

Don’t Fall For The Lie

Perhaps the truth is that we’re lacking good men because for far too long both men and women have been perpetuating and falling for the lie that is “toxic masculinity”.

I know this was lengthy but I wanted to break this down, definition by definition, to reveal how faulty the premise is and how damaging its fruition is to a society.

If you try to take away stoicism, strength, virility and dominance from a man, you’re left with nothing but a whiny, weak, disimpassioned, indifferent child.

Maybe that sounds harsh… but it’s true.

But here’s another truth… an encouraging truth.

There are many men out there who are self-controlled while still feeling deeply. Their strength is shown in how they protect and provide, rather than how they use and abuse. They are passionate and love deeply, without neglecting a gentle spirit. They lead and guide with wisdom rather than arrogance or tyrannical manipulation.

Believe me when I say… not all the good men are gone.

Good men are alive and well and by God’s grace, they’re taking on manhood and masculinity with purpose and passion… and the world is surely a better place for it.